Requiem for Reality

Mood: Existing
Listening to: Massive Attack - Teardrop

So...this coffee has me on PUMP right now. This whole getting up at 5 though is hopefully going to pay off. But for whatever reason, my mind is set adrift.

I sit here and rifle through things that are due, and the things that need to be done. It helps me I suppose, all of us, to continue on. This past week was rough. A good friend and co-worker died. So I decided I should blog, I suppose so that I can go back and read these silly thoughts later on.

I guess what we all do to get by is just that. We do what we can to survive. I live my life in due dates, and pay checks. There is really no salience. Nothing really means anything anymore. Not that life has no meaning, but for me it's as if I don't feel anything about life. There is no time to think...no time to feel, just do. I don't know what it really means to make myself happy anymore. I guess since I can't die I just live on. But living is more than just surviving isn't it? But what more can I do.

My house is furnished quite nicely considering my meager beginnings. At the same time, I am no where near the upper middle class. In fact if people of that demographic visited my home they would say something about the small size of my home, and my sealed marble laminate table (as opposed to a single slab). Still though I live.

What I could never figure out though is why. I mean why do I exist? If you think about it...why do any of us really. I mean God created all of these great things, and chooses to have exist who he would choose. He also then would choose when you go. But I have always wanted to go in others stead, and yet here I am. Deployments? I never got sent, even though I would volunteer. Then there are situations like this one.

Do I want to die and leave the people I love helpless and alone? Certainly not, but if the world loses me there will only be a few who really miss me. I have no kids, and few friends. The ones who I consider my friends would understand and move on with their lives, knowing I am in a better place, and accepting the lessons I have learned and taught. But then God chooses to take John instead. John, who had 2 kids, a wife that HE cared for, 2 jobs. I mean I would have gladly gone in his place. Now the hospital has lost a corner stone, and everyone is in disarray.

But this isn't about John at all. This is something I have been saying for a long time. For those who miss the message, I am still saying live on. But you never know when you shall go...so live on.

Graduation is in 10 days. I'll have my BA in Psych. It's about as useful as another high school diploma. Then I will have the spring semester to learn the guitar, catch up on some reading, and video games. But really, truthfully, it's all for nothing. I do these things to bide my time until I die. I have done it all that I have wanted to. I have been to the top of the mountain and climbed back down. I have lived, learned, loved and lost. I have seen a great deal of money. I've seen the ocean, flown a jet, been on TV, made CD's. I have lived a full life. There is nothing (aside from Disney world, and having a kid) that I have not done that I have wanted to.

But don't no body know my troubles but God.

Shuffle out of bed, to my dresser. Grab this t-shirt in the dark, no not this one, this one. Underwear, socks...water, I forgot my water. Pushups, abs...shower. Brew the coffee, read the headlines. Type some homework up. Be a drone. To the university, to the hospital, to my home, to my computer, to my work, to my bed.

This isn't life...it's a list. From sun up to sun down, from due date to due date, check to check. And then...this chapter closes. Season 5 episode 12 ends....the only cliff hanger....What will life look like in the spring?