Requiem for Reality

Mood: Still contemplative
Listening to: 9th symphony - Beethoven

It's getting down to crunch time. I graduate on the 12th which is less than a week away. Everyone is talking about how proud of me they are, and how exciting of a time this is.

Hold your horses their Tanto.

I don't even know if I can get into grad school! I mean this really isn't that big of a deal yet. On the one hand, I suppose I see where they are coming from. Honestly not many people I hung out with or grew up with to college. I myself barely graduated from high school. I shouldn't have, but I did somehow. Add to that no one else in my immediate family (save my brother) have graduated from college. My mom received an associates degree I believe, but that's about all. Perhaps my dad received some sort of degree, but I don't know because...well that's a day for another blog. But I am saying that I in the very least understand why they are proud of me. But let's talk about how I feel for a second.

How about the fact that my brother is receiving his doctorate. How about that fac that I still make under $40k a year. Lets talk about how my neighborhood has more empty houses than full ones. Can we talk about how a BA in psych is about as useful in a career as a high school diploma. Sure I could manage a deparment at the hospital, and maybe make $40 a year, but I'd still be barely pushing that. I might be able to get a paper pusher job at the state or a prison, but I still wouldn't make much there and that is not a career. It's more like a middle management position that is a dead end, and liable to get me no where but down a long road of depression where I battle alcholism. No one wants to be that when they grow up.

If and when I get my masters degree, that's when I'll likely be ready for a celebration. Then I am confident that I can secure a job that will produce the lifestyle my wife and I want to live.

But see it's not always about money, but if it's not a problem, then that's one less thing that we have to worry about. Plus I feel like I was supposed to be successful. So many people consider me successful now, but I don't. That's just like those who consider me good looking. I believe I'm average and that my body is...well fairly average also. That's why I do what I do when it comes to money, and my fitness. I suppose it's my way of vailidating myself through others approval. But that is not a healthy way to look at things. Because in the end all you will end up doing is trying to gain everyone elses acceptance, and no longer being yourself.