Requiem for Reality

Current Mood: Antsy for some reason :/
Listening too: Children at recess.

I think it's finally happened. I noticed today as I was commenting to the missus about shopping at Banana Republic, looking through my closet filled with Jos. A. Bank, Express and J. Crew. I went downstairs to turn on the TV, and saw a commercial for Ethan Allen furniture and thought to myself, hmm perhaps a few purchases from there wouldn't be terrible. It reminded me of the opening scene from fight club. Edward Norton is discussing his purchases from retailers and how commercial his belongings are and how he has become them.

I haven't become my belongings nor have my belongings become me, but I realized I am becoming something. I am a young upwardly mobile professional...or YUPPIE for short. I actually don't really mind the term. I suppose it's better than being called a bum. Though I have been that also...I just find it peculiar that I have went from a hippie, to a yuppie.

Any way, I'm thinking of beginning investing here soon. I'm trying to decide how much I want to put into it. I think I'm going to look into the stocks for Palladium and other various useful metals and alloys.

Currently most stocks are down, which is a good time to buy in. The Dow is over 11,000 which is down from the closing of last week, and 55 points down from opening today, but up overall. Anything over 10,000 makes me nervous though. I expect a pull back, but perhaps if I get in now or in a week or so, I can snatch up some shares for the low, then ride it out till we get back high.

I imagine shares in Palladium and similar precious metals to go back up here entering the winter and on into the fall. Only time will tell though. I'm waiting for approval from the spouse though to go on this adventure in money.

Mood: I was bored
Currently Listening to: It was something someone was saying about going to vegas.

I’m up and on my way out the door. It’s somewhere around 8am, and I need to be on the north side of town at 7:59. Grab Dante, put him in the house, lock the door, set the alarm, 90 down 496. I’m at my clinical until sometime after 3pm. I get home just in time to leave again and get to my other other job, shadowing in the Adolescent Project at MSU. After 2 hours, I’m on my way back to my house to rest for the night and do it again in the morning.

This is a typical Thursday in my current life. Not even a daily schedule JUST Thursdays. That is really my only easy day. Every other day is just a ball of used petrol, missed meals, and discussing the latest political news while trying to keep my eyes open.

My clinical is fairly interesting. While I’m not at liberty to discuss much of what I do, suffice to say it is very interesting. My schooling, well, thus far it’s less than exciting to say the least. My first class that I went to this semester didn’t have the AC on. Which would be fine if it was say…December. In addition to that the Professor says I can’t use my cell phone in class. For every time that a student touches their cell phone they’ll lose a participation point. She continues that she prefers that you do not open your lap-tops in class either. So now its 90, I can’t check my phone, and I can’t use my lap-top to stay awake. What a way to start off the school year.

On top of that, my brother is getting married again. Which is really cool because his wife is a cool chick for the most part. The only downside is the groomsmen haven’t really been speaking with each other as much as I would have liked them to. It’s all a big miss right now, and I have an idea on what to do, but cannot research this at my clinical office as I do not have internet yet. In fact I don’t even really have a desk. I’m sitting at the receptionist desk typing this on word on my lap-top. I’d show you a picture but 1). The camera was stolen last week from my car along with my iPod, and 2). No one is reading this anyway. It was my fault about the theft. I didn’t lock my door when I finished purchasing these really cool hear rate monitors from Dick’s Sporting Goods. The frustrating part of that is, I could’ve used that money that I spent on the monitors to pay for the replacement iPod and camera. Better yet, I wouldn’t have forgotten to lock the door if I didn’t ever get the heart rate monitors to begin with, but I digress.

Finally, I’m still waiting to hear back from Amer (again) from the Institute of Neuroscience. Originally he sounded excited to have me come down and do some research. And let’s be honest here, while I am a “student research aide” at MSU, and that is going to look good on my CV, the more research that I am involved in, the better my chances are of getting into a PhD program for Neuropsychology. Was that a run on sentence? Was it formatted properly? With all of the papers and work I’ve been doing lately, I’m just not sure of anything anymore grammatically. Plus I’m constantly in and out of being consciousness at any given minute.

So that pretty much sums up what I’ve been up to lately, as if you cared. I plan on having more interesting things to put on here in a few days. Adventures and what not, but I always feel like none of them are important enough to put on here. However, the school of social work recommends that I document my career and how I progress. So there we go. I just wish someone was actually reading this.

Everyone, has a price. Everyone is likely to do anything if that one desire is met. I am convinced of this. Recently Tom Izzo our MSU basketball coach has been rumored to be in talks with The Cavs to become their head coach. Everyone continues to ask...will he leave for that amount of money. Here is my response.

Tom Izzo makes a butt load of money at MSU. There is no reason that I can see that he would need any more money than he already receives. However, what do I know of Tom Izzo's needs? I have never been Tom Izzo. If he decides what he really wanted was 30 million bucks to buy everyone in his family a house, then maybe he would make the decision to go there. Could you really blame the guy though?

I mean think about it. Imagine you were being asked a question of would you do something that you know you would never do. Then imagine someone put a price tag to it. Now imagine that money being right in front of you. I think that if 30 million cashola was sitting right in front of you....you would pretty much do anything I asked. So I ask you...how much is your dignity worth to you?

Mood: So fricken humind!!!!
Listening to: The scanner

Sweet potato pie it's hot and humid out. Why the frick won't it just rain already? Any who. Today I'm spending my day in the truck trying to blog, but am severely cramped. There has been a lot going on around me lately. Specifically the addition of my newest family member (and ladies man) Dante. He's a Blue Doberman Pinscher. Currently, at around 7 months, he stands at roughly 23 inches at the shoulders, and weighs 55 or so lbs (pictures to follow).

I have to apologize to Nik (pronounced neek), my old german shepard and who-knows-what-else mix (mut). She was the coolest dog ever, until I got Dante. Sits, stays, shakes, releases, knows how to heel, lay down, go outside...and that's not even everything. If you spend 10-20 minutes with him, he'll learn the command and do it with almost no protest. And he loves the ladies.

*subject change for no other reason than I have a lot to talk about*

I have no idea how the heck I'm going to pay for grad school. But at the very least I figured out what I want my cognate to be, and my specialty in that. Even better, there is a school that is close by that offers a degree in the field. Let me just explain. After looking at a bunch of journals and research, I found a journal about memory. I read it and was very intrigued. I have always liked memory, but was trying to figure out how I would get into the field.

I saw one of my old professors get on facebook.I decided, since I admired him, I should ask him what his thoughts were. I told him how I've been torn between cognitive psych, and clinical, and even going back into school for medical. He suggested that I look at Neuropsychology. I started looking around at different schools, and was very very interested. Particularly in the idea that it combined aspects of cognitve with clinical psych. Most practitioners of Neuropsychology, were clinical psychologists by degree, but their cognate was Neuro.

I looked at the MSU website, school of clinical psychology and found that in the first year you must declare your cognate...which includes options like...NEUROPSYCHOLOGY!!!! I don't know if I'll be able to get in, but I can't see why I shouldn't try. I have been told by many people that a black, male, veteran in either the social work field or psychology is a very underrepresented minority. So I should be able to get in most anywhere with the proper grades and motivation.

Finally, on this news update today, I have been in deep discussion with my second eldest brother about the family coat of arms. For many families it isn't so much of a discussion, as it is a question of where their ancestors hale from. In our case...in short...we have no freakin clue. See I don't know my grandparents on my dads side. He once sent me a family tree while I was in the airforce. I have no idea where I mis-placed it. Either way it doesn't really matter. The Evans name now has really nothing to do with that man. I appreciate the life he gave me, and also the name. However, my brothers and I made it what it is today. Therefore we are rebranding...in a way.

I have always liked how people with other family names can just go to google, type in their name and find something from their past that represents their history, and lineage. There are something like 50 Evans family coat of arms. I decided, for the posterity of our family, to develop our own. I thought it would be great for our great grand kids to be able to type in our name and find something about their past. After much discussion, my brother has decided to make a coat of arms for him and his children, and one for me and mine, and who ever else decides to adopt it.

As we speak we are ever approaching the finishing touches. Soon, this coat of arms will be the root in a tree of ever expanding capital ventures, and programs. As well as a name and a image that represents us, and should be proud to bear.

Any way..I've wrote a lot. I've got more to write tomorrow, so that you can see about the foundation that I plan on creating...with my families name and help.

Current Mood: Must sleep
Listening to: Nurses complain

So I recently graduated from MSU with my BA in Psychology. As most people know, there isn't much anyone can do with that degree. I've been wrestling with what to do now. My grades are...decent. Though because I transferred from a 2 year institution my undergrad grades are represented by the last 2 years I spent at MSU. So while I finished on the Dean's list the last 3 semesters, I still only have a 3.2 gpa.

So I appied to grad school to get a clinical social work degree. I'm not sure if I actually have a passion for kids or not or families for that matter. I do know that I want to help people.

The thing is, if I get into grad school it's 2 years before I graduate and can get a better job to pay off my bills. Then if I want to get a clinical psych degree (doctorate level) its another 2-3 years. But if I decide I want to do forensic psychology and not work with any of those demographics, and get paid a bit more, it would take what looks like 2 years on top of the previous years. Projecting me to graduate and start working at 32-34 before I am in a career of my choice.

However, if I decide I want to go the psychiatry route, I would need to take some post bacc courses. Namely orgo, in organic chem, bio, and physics. Then I would need to take the MCAT. After that's all said and done, if I get in, I would need to do about 4 years med-school. Then 2 years residency. I would be an official doctor at that point but...heavily in debt I'm sure. That projects me out of school and in a career at 36 or so.

For me, just to be clear, it's not about the title or prestige, sort of. I do like the respect that comes with being a doctor. I would technically be a "doctor" if I went the psychology route, but not an actual doctor. However, going the psychology route I could be done earlier and be in less debt. I just wish there was a guide telling me which way to go. I have a number of options, and Ive never really been given a choice in my life decisions...it has almost always been do or die for me.

I must meditate.....

Current Mood: COFFFEEEEEE!!!!!
Listening to: Jahova - Rusko

Okay, so...lets begin then. Yesterday I took my last final as an undergrad at MSU. I think I did pretty decently. I don't know though, the material is so subjective, and you have to make it be exactly what the instructor wants in the course. I of course am speaking of Philosophy of Law. Which brings me to my next thought. Next semester I'm going to be a TA for the ADP. While I'm there I could take either one more philosophy class, or another sociology class and get a minor in either subject. The thing is...I really don't want to do any more school right now. Yet it still consumes my life! How does that work?

Any way, I got my paper back for Philosophy of Law. I was really worried about it because the subject matter was something that I appreciated, but I felt that I was again all over the place with my ideas. Sometimes it's very infuriating when attempting to put thoughts to paper, or convey them in a way that people can understand. That is a big problem with me because there are so many things that constantly pass through my head in regards to ideas and practices in the world. I attempt to look at the bigger picture, but it's hard because, well for one we are each so small individually, and two in an attempt to understand something that you are merely a part of and not being able to recognize the whole of it. So often I become strayed in my thoughts, not neccessarily lost because I know where I'm going, but I often have to explain my whole fundemental understanding of the world in order for people to understand what I'm trying to get at.

I think the biggest realization about all of these thoughts is that I fear that someday I'll end up like my grandfather, who is one of the most brilliant men I have ever had the privalege of knowing personally, and not be able to fully complete a thought any more, and get stuck on repeat....

So back to the paper, I turn it over and I see 29...and I think to myself "29? I failed". I had of course assumed the paper was out of 30 points. Much to my surpise it was out of 30. I nearly lost it...this means that if I did well on the final, I could make the deans list again. Really that't only important to me. And it's really only important to me because it is an accomplishment that was desired by me when I first transferred to MSU. I wanted to prove to myself that if I just stuck with something I could do it. I certainly appreciate my own mental faculties and capabilities. That is to say, I realize that I am not as brilliant as some people of my generation. However, I have come to terms with this and concluded that what may come easy to some does not to all, and to those who things do not come easy for they can continue to try or give up. I assume that some people give up because they see it as hopeless. Perhaps it is, perhaps it's possible that you cannot fly without wings. But then I think we are looking at it all the wrong way.

It's not about doing the impossible. I think it's more important to realize the possible, or better put, realize what is impossible, and contrast it to what is impossible, then put effort forward to complete that. But what is impossible for some may not be for others. Certainly the laws of physics are in place for a reason, and more than likely without super human abilities we cannot break the laws of physics. Nor with these human bodies can we travel at the speed of light, but that doesn't mean that we can't push the limits of what we consider to be impossible. Who would have thought 80 years ago, we could talk to person's instanly on the other side of the world? Or have a giant calculator capable of doing billions of calculations per second, connect to an electrical signal that transfers information instantly and stores it for future generations? Certainly these things may have seemed impossible then, but, now they are apart of everyday life.

So, there are many things that are infact IMPOSSIBLE, but that doesn't mean that they always will continue to be. Additionally while there are many things that are impossible, there are a great deal more things that ARE possible. We could probably fit the things that are impossible into one book. But the possible things around them to discover what cannot be done could fill the library of Alexandria!

Where was I going with this? Oh, right, so now that I have gone an graduated I'm going to be blogging a bit more. Especially today while I'm at work. I bought a new game and it's not my usual thing, but it's fairly interesting and time consuming. I expect that if I get a 3.5 in either one of the classes that I'm waiting on (and I suspect that 1 if not both will be) then I will make that deans list again. Which will most certainly guarantee my admission into the MSW program at MSU. Therefore in 2 years I should be a social worker making...70k?

Alright off to the other updates!

Mood: Still contemplative
Listening to: 9th symphony - Beethoven

It's getting down to crunch time. I graduate on the 12th which is less than a week away. Everyone is talking about how proud of me they are, and how exciting of a time this is.

Hold your horses their Tanto.

I don't even know if I can get into grad school! I mean this really isn't that big of a deal yet. On the one hand, I suppose I see where they are coming from. Honestly not many people I hung out with or grew up with to college. I myself barely graduated from high school. I shouldn't have, but I did somehow. Add to that no one else in my immediate family (save my brother) have graduated from college. My mom received an associates degree I believe, but that's about all. Perhaps my dad received some sort of degree, but I don't know because...well that's a day for another blog. But I am saying that I in the very least understand why they are proud of me. But let's talk about how I feel for a second.

How about the fact that my brother is receiving his doctorate. How about that fac that I still make under $40k a year. Lets talk about how my neighborhood has more empty houses than full ones. Can we talk about how a BA in psych is about as useful in a career as a high school diploma. Sure I could manage a deparment at the hospital, and maybe make $40 a year, but I'd still be barely pushing that. I might be able to get a paper pusher job at the state or a prison, but I still wouldn't make much there and that is not a career. It's more like a middle management position that is a dead end, and liable to get me no where but down a long road of depression where I battle alcholism. No one wants to be that when they grow up.

If and when I get my masters degree, that's when I'll likely be ready for a celebration. Then I am confident that I can secure a job that will produce the lifestyle my wife and I want to live.

But see it's not always about money, but if it's not a problem, then that's one less thing that we have to worry about. Plus I feel like I was supposed to be successful. So many people consider me successful now, but I don't. That's just like those who consider me good looking. I believe I'm average and that my body is...well fairly average also. That's why I do what I do when it comes to money, and my fitness. I suppose it's my way of vailidating myself through others approval. But that is not a healthy way to look at things. Because in the end all you will end up doing is trying to gain everyone elses acceptance, and no longer being yourself.

Ugh...these dreams have been strange lately. Weird instant messages from people that...well any way. It's times like these that always make me question reality.

So what's been going on lately?

I've been on a quest. Not to discover myself, because I feel I know myself pretty well. So that's not the problem. The problem is...I don't really know where I see myself anymore. There are all these perfect people out there in the world. They work so hard everyday, and they are just amazing people. Lawyers who give in charity to autistic homes, doctors, social workers...people my age being successful. Meanwhile, I work at some hospital doing security.

I'm not complaining at all. Understand, I respect my job and am thankful for it. I work with the local police departments on the regular. I make pretty decent money. I suppose in the end I'm as good as any of them. But I then came to a realization.

Those who want things done don't ask for it to be done, they do it. Certainly there must be some sort of argument for god givin talents with respect to succesfulness, but in addition to that there is perseverance. I must persevere. I must be successful in this venture. There is no other option. Being weak is a choice.

One either chooses to be strong in their decisions, or give in to their body as an excuse for failure. Despite how much you may want to give up because it feels better to lay in bed, take another drink etc...your giving into yourself is a choice that you make. Same as success is a choice.

Today I choose to win! I choose to succeed! The road is long and hard, but the purpose and ends are more than worth it.

I guess if he's up at 5...I will be too...difference is I won't be going to bed at no 9 o'clock. I got work to do!!!

I sincerely hope this party isn't a bust. We are nearly a month away. To date I have 14 confirmed guests. If I don't actually have 20+ I'm canceling. I haven't thrown a party since...well I never really threw them people would just show up. Makes me reminisce about the olden days. Imagine how things could've been.

If you would have just responded this way or that. What then? Or do you remember that one time....? Yeah I'm sure you do. But we can never go back. In the words of Don Henley in boys of summer, "don't look back, we can never look back". And this holds true, for I have always said...if we can't look past yesterday we can see through to tomorrow.

Often we get so stuck in our past we lose sight of everything around us. I talk about moving on and forward all the time, but it's so much easier said than done. I also talk about utilizing each moment to it's fullest potential. The reason it's so tough though is because we are so used to things being the way they were, but we have to realize that continuing to do the same thing over and over expecting different results is idiotic. For we know from experience that the same things will happen if w continue to do the same.

So it is at this moment that we get up...and decide to change. No matter how hard it hurts. Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead. Today is a new day. Today....be happy....because today you have a chance to do things differently. You are not bound to stagnation.

Phew! It's been a crazy time since the last time I posted. Still with no direction or theme for this place. There is much more philosophical conversations I would like to have, but today I'm feeling soemthing different.



Things are finally looking up. I mean right? I graduate with my BA in Psychology in December. Hopefully if things go right, I'll end my last semester on the Dean's List again, and get into grad school no problem.



It doesn't look like we'll be having kids anytime soon. Despite the interest by outside parties. That's unfortunate too, because I think I'm finally at a point in my life where I am ready to have a child. Well only time will tell what will come of this. I imagine that the doctors for both of us will have someway of remedying the situation.



The only thing that really sucks right now...is me! I wish I could just be who I needed to be. Or be the person everyone thinks I am and expects me to be. I'm too busy to be of any good to anyone. Yet everyone sees me as doing great things. Yes, it's true I work hard, but I spend so much time at work and school that I miss out on a lot of things, and if people only really knew how that made me feel.

And then, life goes on.

The only thing I'm worrying about, now that I've dusted myself off, is whether or not to get an MSU graduation ring or an Air Force ring. Decisions, decisions.....

I tell you what man. There is nothing more tragic than reality. But even more effective has got to be gravity. Tonight my mind is heavy. I keep getting it pulled back to Earth. And what will you do when you get pulled back that way? I mean you find yourself pushing against the Earth. But you can't escape it. The higher you go the harder you come back down. Until you break the grip of gravity. You're stuck...

And how do you do that? I mean gravity is everywhere man...and it's heavy. Sure it brings you down, but it can be your best friend. I can keep you grounded when you start floating off and thinking that you can't be effected by it.

Who are you to judge? Who am I to judge? You think you're invincible? You think that no one will ever see through you? Or gravity won't catch you. But the world keeps turning. It doesn't stop. Matter continues to have mass, and so gravity follows from that. And in the end you just keep on coming back.

And you can't choose who you love? Can you? Or can you? Can I? Am I any different than you? You and I both know that deep down we are all the same. You fall because gravity pulls you in. You don't choose to fall, but you can catch yourself...but man don't it hurt?

The worse part about the whole thing is to try to tell yourself that there is no such thing as gravity, but you ain't fly.....

Chaos...what does that even mean? Does it mean that we should just live all willy nilly.

Here's the thing, the reason why I like chaos a little more than planning and controlling everything is because, sure planning works out better in the end most of the time, but sometimes it doesn't. No matter what you do, sometimes it just doesn't.

You can spend thousands of hours to plan out 24 of them, and in the meantime you have already wasted a thousand. I'm not advocating jumping head first into everything, but I am also not saying that I believe everything has to be a long drawn out process. Either do it or don't. I used to think about it like sand.

Picture your hand full of sand. Each grain of sand is time. No matter what you do the sand will slip through your fingers, out of the sides...you can't hold on to it no matter how hard you try. Even though you know you should, because you want more sand, and you want it all to yourself, the tighter you hold, the more seeps through. Of course realistically you will reach a point when there is just enough that it all does just stay in your hand. That is yours. That is your time. But think about it....really try to imagine it...the best way to keep the most time, is to just let go. Literally if you hold your hand flat and don't squeeze it then more sand will stay in your hand.

Life is a lot like that to me. We can try to squeeze everything out of every second we have together or we can just enjoy every second we have. An ex and I went though this when I was leaving the USAF. We fought and bickered for hours and hours, almost until it was time for me to go. And it hit me, why argue about time, when we could just enjoy it?

Brass tax, you will never have this moment again. This second is gone...and so is this one. It will never ever ever ever come back. You can't get a do over. You can't stop it. It is inevitable. You think that if you just stop now, and just plan for the future then you won't be hurt by the decisions you make now? The funny thing about life is that it's not planning anything out. Or maybe it is.

There are two thoughts that I ponder when I think about this.

1: Fate

2: Chaos

In the idea of fate, or that it's all planned out already I think...wow so what difference does it even make if I make a decision? In the end it will be what it will be. For this reason I think I live with no regrets. See I don't buy into fate, I hate the idea that we have no control over our future, and our decisions are nothing more than a child screaming into the void of nothing. But at the same time I don't have regrets because I am who I am BECAUSE of what I've already done. Life may have something in store for my destiny. It may have an end result similar to a chess game on a computer. With one piece moved the computer can calculate what move will likely be next, until the very end. That is possible.

In the idea of Chaos I think about how certainly the things I do effect someone, that effects someone else, and so on and so forth, but in the end things just happen because something happened before. No one really knows what is going to happen next, because it hasn't happened. We can calculate formulas and equations because numbers don't change value. People do! I am a creature of habit, but I may flip my coin and decide to do something entirely different. And then what will you say? Will you say that I really did that because fate destined that my coin be heads?

The fact of the matter remains however. In either instance, what ever the case may be, "for better or worse who may know". We can assume we know but never truly know. For we don't have the capabilities of knowing. I mean, assume fate was like a super computer...positioned on top of a structure that was tall enough to over look the entire world. Suppose this computer had a camera that could see everything, and everyone was doing at all times. And suppose it made calculations based on their actions allowing it to know what would happen next, similar to a chess game against Big Blue. You and I would never have the capacity for the knowledge. Nor would you and I ever have access to such knowledge. Therefore we should simply live our lives.

It's great to plan out your future, but don't plan so much that you miss it in it's entirety.

So a couple of things. First off I know that I have barely any readers because I'm not very opinionated about popular culture or anything like that. However money is one thing that I am very opinionated about. Especially when it comes to my money.

As it is, money is becoming very scarce in the area. Here in Michigan the unemployment rate continues to rise. Jobs are getting cut, people are getting layed off, it's bad news all over. In my mission to sacrifice my life so that my family will have a better one, I've been looking into how to pass something to my children in the future so that they never have to want for anything, and are able to obtain a higher education without working their whole lives to get it.

One thing I've been looking into is precious metals. When I look to invest in something, I look for something that's going to have to be useful in the future. Platinum, for example, is desired because of it's use in catalytic converters. On top of that the desire for the metal as jewelry (due to it's ability to stay away from tarnishing), and references in pop culture have caused platinum to be an upwards of $900 for 1 troy ounce.

However, palladium is different. It's just as beautiful, just as rare (if not rarer), used in catalytic converters also...except in smart cars. Palladium is also rediculously cheaper. 1 troy ounce of palladium is right around $170 currently. I could be investing in something that would allow my children to have something, that while it does change value through time, is unviversal. What I mean is, the dollar will go up the dollar will go down. The euro will go up and go down. The yen, etc.....they will all do the same. However against eachother the value will change. Precious metals will not. They will be the same no matter where you are.

I think it's something great to think about.

I get some time to sit down and actually. Think...unfortunately I spent too much time trying to figure out what was wrong with my throat and not enough time playing digaea 3. So now I'm trying to update a blog, and play some games, while I hopefully get better.

Hopefully my new entried will spark some discussions between myself and I. Seeing as how no one reads this anyway.

I've got some poetry too that I wanted to start putting on here. So look for that under the categories.

So rather than try to attempt to explain everything that's been happening in my life recently, I've decided to truncate.

Since October many things have gone and changed. For example the fall semester is now over with, and I should have more time to pick up hours at work,but because of the economy they aren't offering more shifts right now. Not a problem for me though because I make extra money from my MGIB. I guess the major problem with that is that the semester ended didn't it....

I did not wreck my car!!! That term wrecked has such negative connotations. It was still semi-drivable. Sure it wasn't in the best shape, but it's not like I was drunk at the wheel and smashed into a tree or something! I mean those Grand-Ams around the late 90's had terrible traction. That curb was just asking for it too. The sign was just minding it's own business and got caught in the crossfire. The point is I got a new car...Well the wife got a new car. And it's not entirely new it's used...but it's certified! I guess I got a new car too. Now I get to drive the Cutlass.

What else? Oh I got a sweet deal on a laptop my wife got me for Christmas. I love technology and it's actually even better than my desktop. So that's a huge bonus. I haven't put any "music" software on here yet mainly because she hates that I'm on it regularly.

So why did you buy it for me then huh?!?!?! You see what I'm saying?

I also got a 1tb external hard drive. The cool thing about that is now the laptop, my nephews laptop (also a really sweet deal), my phone, my wifes computer (if we ever get it working again), my computer, the PSP, and the PS3 all have access to all the media you can feast your senses on while in range of the network.

I made the deans list, barely, but it's done! I think next semester is going to be a bit of a struggle but..never the less I shall succeed. I'll need to keep at this level of success if I really want to get into grad school, but I'm sure it's a feat I can accomplish.

After all I was destined for greatness.

So many days in the history of the world have existed and come and gone with out you and I being here. How many times have we read about the changes that lead to the formation of the United States? How much have those changes impacted the way the world moves, interacts, evolves?

Within every generation there is a turning point. A time where future generations look back and see where the wave broke and crashed ashore. Something remarkable that defines an era, a people, a time. A moment where the dry kindling receives its spark, and ignites a light buring bright enough for our children's children to examine the darkness they are in, and navigate the maze of their present time, which will be someone elses light.

Today we are witness to that day. This is the day that we have been waiting for. Today we rejoice for the change is at hand. That defining moment that represents what you lived for. We stand today upon ground that will be remembered in future generations stories.

And those that were not here with us today will regret that they were not able to be a part in this play...in this domino which fell and shook the earth and history to the core. This day that ruptured foundations and ideas that placed restrictions on freedoms and hope. And hope! We will hope! Our greatest strength and weakness. Those of us that stand here today crush the ground as we march on fallacies of ethical dreams, towards realizing true existance apart from constant suffering. Because today the many needs of the many will outweigh the desires of the few. And you will wish that you stood with us this day. That you clenched your hand into a fist and fought against the machine of stagnance. We have pushed back against history and told it...today we control these threads of fate. The seeds of destiny have been sewn...and you who were not here will regret that you didn't see the sun rise upon this day!

(Posted from my HTC XV6800)

08:30 am est

I arrived in my philosophy class today exhausted because I got barely any sleep last night. Amiee had a nightmare caused by the movie "The starngers", a clever hacker/ slasher horror film that we watched last week. This really sucks because this weekend (Halloween) I have to work Friday night and Saturday morning.

Any way, I was hopeful I would get my exam back and it would be at the very least a 90...86.5! Are you serious? After a brief explaination of the exam I argued my way to an 87.5. Better but not a 90.

10:20 am est daylight savings...mostly sunny 30°F

Goran was is class today as well as some other sports team members. This class is lame though. Goran and his friends got yelled at because they were talking. The instructor is aloof. I can't believe she doesn't realize that the only reason we come to class is because we are already on campus. I mean honestly the only things on my table in front of me is my stocking cap, O.J gloves and my book...opened arbitrarily to distract the instructor and make her think I"m not under my desk blogging. Every now and again I like to blurt out random statements like "sure" to further the kay fabe. Only I weeks left till I get my paper back. 1 more week till the next exam.

14:13 (thats uh 2:13 pm for all you non-military types)

I didn't actively blog between classes for the last class because I ran into a friend of mine who is in a couple of my classes, and we discussed the finer points of failing a philosophy exam.

But now I've walked into probably the most useless class thus far. Cultural geography. The instructor is always late...always...by like 5 minutes. She keeps us here though till 3:59:59 because...well....I don't know why. She reminds me of the hippie teacher at the beginning of dazed and confused. We took our exam in here something like 1 week ago and still haven't heard anything about the results...whatever I'm off to download Mind Control by Common

Mood: Anxious
Listening to: Feadz - EdWrecker

So here I am pouring over Sorber, trying to find out what this problem is he has with Aquinas's creation argument. Truth is I could probably tell you, but I can't think of it right now for one reason or another. I think the biggest reason is because I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this...school thing.

The reason I have this sort of self-doubt is because I went to this School of Psychology seminar to help you try to get into graduate school.

Walking in the door there must have been somewhere around 50 or so people in the room already. I sat quietly in the back of the room, and got ready to listen in as to what was going to help me figure out which way to go in graduate school.

This stuffy looking guy stands up in his blue blazer and begins asking "So how many of you want to go into graduate school?" Everyone raised their hand...and I'm thinking to myself...isn't that the reason that you had this seminar? Any way...he continues. "Let's discuss what kind of degrees do people in here want? How about IO psych?". About 2 people raised their hands. "How about Neural/ Behavioral?" Something like 2 more people raised their hands. Then he dropped the bomb...."How many of you are here for Clinical Psychology?" Nearly everyone else raised their hands.

Now I know that this is competitive program, and I'm already behind because I'm a transfer from LCC. So here I am sitting in a room with 40 of my competitors, no letters of reccomendation, and a 2.6 GPA. "I'm Screwed" I said. So he started to break down the numbers. "Specifically speaking, last year there were somewhere arounf 180 applicants. We only accepted 5. These were the cream of the crop. Nothing less than a 3.6 GPA, extracurriculars, letters of reccomendations, and internships."

Great...I have like...none of those! Perfect! So what I'm thinking now is that it would probably benefit me to go after my MSW. I will at the very least have a Masters Degree, and I can get in with like a 3.2. Plus I can start my private practice of social work if I do that. Maybe four more years left...or so.

But interestingly enough, none of this is guaranteed for a job.

I suppose I could put this into an entire nother post, and I think I will, but that's just an update on what's going on in my life...in case you were interested.....which you were, because you came here.

And I say sure why not? I mean I do have so many exams to study for, and papers to write, but at 9:03 in the morning why not blog?

Wednesdays are very busy for me. With work calling all day to see if I want to come in, I'm constantly ignoring my phone. Which, in case you didn't know, takes a lot of energy. And then there is the fact that it's my only day to anything that isn't work or school related. So today I'm taking my car up to get the leaky windshield fixed.

That really gets my goat you know? I mean for the last 3 weeks the contractor has been out of the office when I take my car up there. I just need the windshield resealed....because for whatever reason the seal decided to go bad, and now I've got standing water in my drivers side floor boards. Which wouldn't be so bad I suppose....I could get used to the smell of moldy dogs, and fermenting nacho cheese, but then I get this letter in the mail telling me that if I let water stand on my drivers side floor board that, that the air bag may go off at any time....How fantastic I thought!

Then I need to go check out this psychology thing at school so that I can try to figure out how to get into Graduate school. That's really only an hour so not too bad....Well alright I guess it's time to get this blog thing wrapped up. If you're still reading this then please feel free to look around at what's going on.

If you're anything like me though you've already clicked everything and probably are reading something else.