Requiem for Reality

I heard a melody the other day,
I believe I heard it, then again...
it could have been the wind.

I tried to hum it out,
tried to take it with me,
I tried to hold on to it as it slipped out of my lips...

It sounded like you,
like something you would say to me,
...and then everything was quiet.

Mood: Restless
Listening to: Decoded on History

So I've been talking about wanting to keep up with this blog. I wish I would have done better with it since I only have a few weeks left of school. I'm going to be done with Grad School, and just like with undergrad, I'm already looking at the next challenge. My current goals are to take a year off and spend some time with my child...who is due here sometime in late June.

Oh BTW yeah the wife is pregnant. I'm interested to see how this all works out in the end, but also quite nervous. I want to do something great for Israel, but I'm not too sure what. I want to leave a legacy for him, something that many years from now he can look back on, and see how much I loved him before I knew him. I'm also nervous that he will be just like me. I won't speak to my intelligence, as I don't really consider myself intelligent. I just recognize patterns.

Anyway, so I have that coming up, and after the yeah off, I plan on going back to school for Neuropsychology. I don't know if I will get in or not, and I don't know where I'm even going to apply. I know that at some time in the next year I need to take my licensure exam, and also the GRE. Without the GRE, I won't be able to get in anywhere. I am not too worried about my grades, as this semester should net me that cumulative 3.5 or better GPA. I'm also not too worried about my letters of recommendation. I have a few people lined up that I think will really help me out. So all I really need to do is ace that GRE.

Other than that, I've been pretty much just going through this so called life. I've been watching some good anime here and there, and picked up learning JKD. I wish I had more time in the day, and that I could spend it a little better. I always feel like as soon as I get an idea of what I want to do I only have a few minutes to do it. Then again I have like a million hobbies. I'd like to mix some music, mess with this guitar, work out, watch some good shows, play some video games, read a book, meditate, and hang out with my dog. However, by the time I get to the third item on the list I'm looking at somewhere around 3 in the afternoon. I know I'm spreading myself thin, but it keeps my mind busy. Sure I still make mistakes, but it's better than doing something that affects my life long term.

I plan on writing more here soon. I want to talk about some of the clients that I've met and some of the experiences, but today...I'm hot. It's about 85 out and only 1pm. Our central air went out thanks to Dante and his acidic urine disintegrating the condenser on the unit. My father in law bought us a new one, but it has yet to show up, and still would need to get installed.

Anyway, that's a quick update on my life...you may now return to your previously scheduled lives, already in progress.

So it's been like forever since I talked about music on this blog that no one reads. Recently I've gotten away from doing hip-hop/ rap/ RnB musics to do something a little more electronic.

I got myself a nice set of turntables and started doing some mixing here and there. I did a couple of mixes at my house and my nephew said that I should host it on youtube. Rather than do that I decided that I would post my stuff on sound cloud.

After my first house mix was posted I did my boys wedding reception and got some pretty good reviews. People wanting me to do similar venues. The waitresses there liked my work better than "the guy we hired for the bar". I was pretty amped about that, no lie. But the offers I got I wasn't really feeling. It's not that I don't like almost every genre of music. It's just that I don't really like playing country and classic rock all the time. Let's be honest here, I'm a hop-hopper at heart. A rapper before all else. I just like to mix what I like to listen to, and play what I want to play. Call me selfish, but I don't really care what the crowd is feeling like listening too. I feel out the crowd to detect the vibe, but mostly, I just play what I want to hear. That goes the same with the music I make. I make what I would like to listen to. If you just so happen to like it too then cool. No worries if you're not picking up what I'm putting down. At the end of the day I just hope I made something that I like.

So the music I've been making has been mostly dubstep. What I like best about this genre is the ability to make it sound different than anything else every time. You can even make it sound different than what yourself usually makes stuff sound like. Though most people would say that this is an offshoot (and it is) of DnB, I would like to think that this is what would happen if DnB and Hip-Hop had a music-baby. The beats are 140 (or 70) bpm or near there. The sound is heavily driven by the use of LFO's and bass. The drums and melody often times are an after thought. The term "dub" originally comes from the jamaican and island records called "dubplates". Dubplates were tracks that were pressed cheaply and passed around in that fashion (there's way more to read elsewhere about that and this is no history lesson). Over time though, dubstep became something more than just the use of the dubplate samples over these down tempo chilled beats. People started adding heavily acidized synths and more LFO's (3OSC and the like) to the tunes to produce a kind of metal sound. As such dubstep bore brostep. I don't particularly like the reference of brostep, but I suppose you can call it whatever you want to call it. I call it music. Like I said before, you like it, you don't like it, makes no difference to me.

Music isn't about whether or not people like it to me. Music is about attempting to convey an emotion or feeling over a medium. Like painters and canvass. When you look at a well done sculpture you can feel what it was the creator was feeling when they created it. Music is the same for me. Without words dubstep can make you feel angry, happy, sad, or in a party mood. It's a genuine genre.

Anyway I'm done with this rant. I have bigger and better things to talk about to no one...since no one is here or reading this ha!

Mood: Am I dying?
Currently listening to: Copying Machines.

I feel awful. I woke up and went to breathe in...only to find that my nose and lungs had taken a leave of absence without putting in proper notification. Next thing I know I'm popping cough drops like tic-tacs. WTH??!? I didn't even have a cough yesterday? This thing is morphing. It's adapting. IT's ALIVE!!

I finally set up a time for me to go to IINN. Which is great, but I can't be myself when I'm sick. So this has GOT to pass.

Worse than that? I'm walking in to my clinical this morning and I see a calico cat. Poor thing...he probably doesn't even know that he's infertile. He's running through the streets having fun, but little does he know he was born only to exist and die. How fruitless.

So what's the point? Life sucks sometimes. But at least you weren't born a mangy, calico street cat.

Mood: I was bored
Currently Listening to: It was something someone was saying about going to vegas.

I’m up and on my way out the door. It’s somewhere around 8am, and I need to be on the north side of town at 7:59. Grab Dante, put him in the house, lock the door, set the alarm, 90 down 496. I’m at my clinical until sometime after 3pm. I get home just in time to leave again and get to my other other job, shadowing in the Adolescent Project at MSU. After 2 hours, I’m on my way back to my house to rest for the night and do it again in the morning.

This is a typical Thursday in my current life. Not even a daily schedule JUST Thursdays. That is really my only easy day. Every other day is just a ball of used petrol, missed meals, and discussing the latest political news while trying to keep my eyes open.

My clinical is fairly interesting. While I’m not at liberty to discuss much of what I do, suffice to say it is very interesting. My schooling, well, thus far it’s less than exciting to say the least. My first class that I went to this semester didn’t have the AC on. Which would be fine if it was say…December. In addition to that the Professor says I can’t use my cell phone in class. For every time that a student touches their cell phone they’ll lose a participation point. She continues that she prefers that you do not open your lap-tops in class either. So now its 90, I can’t check my phone, and I can’t use my lap-top to stay awake. What a way to start off the school year.

On top of that, my brother is getting married again. Which is really cool because his wife is a cool chick for the most part. The only downside is the groomsmen haven’t really been speaking with each other as much as I would have liked them to. It’s all a big miss right now, and I have an idea on what to do, but cannot research this at my clinical office as I do not have internet yet. In fact I don’t even really have a desk. I’m sitting at the receptionist desk typing this on word on my lap-top. I’d show you a picture but 1). The camera was stolen last week from my car along with my iPod, and 2). No one is reading this anyway. It was my fault about the theft. I didn’t lock my door when I finished purchasing these really cool hear rate monitors from Dick’s Sporting Goods. The frustrating part of that is, I could’ve used that money that I spent on the monitors to pay for the replacement iPod and camera. Better yet, I wouldn’t have forgotten to lock the door if I didn’t ever get the heart rate monitors to begin with, but I digress.

Finally, I’m still waiting to hear back from Amer (again) from the Institute of Neuroscience. Originally he sounded excited to have me come down and do some research. And let’s be honest here, while I am a “student research aide” at MSU, and that is going to look good on my CV, the more research that I am involved in, the better my chances are of getting into a PhD program for Neuropsychology. Was that a run on sentence? Was it formatted properly? With all of the papers and work I’ve been doing lately, I’m just not sure of anything anymore grammatically. Plus I’m constantly in and out of being consciousness at any given minute.

So that pretty much sums up what I’ve been up to lately, as if you cared. I plan on having more interesting things to put on here in a few days. Adventures and what not, but I always feel like none of them are important enough to put on here. However, the school of social work recommends that I document my career and how I progress. So there we go. I just wish someone was actually reading this.

Let's get a few things out of the way first.

1). I am a veteran who served in the United States Air Force from June 2001- September 2004). During my service the attacks on the world trade center occurred, and I served my country with honor.

2). I am an American. I was born here, I have lived here all of my life, and I will die here. I would still to this die for this country, as this is my home and these people here are my brothers and sisters. The people of this country are my family. I will defend to the death their rights and freedoms because I believe that it is just!

3). I am a christian. That is, I attempt to model my life after Christ. I'm not very good. I have my demons. Things I wrestle with, but as I enter into each situation with another person, I often find myself asking "would Jesus say these things".

Now that we have those things out of the way. I guess I could start with the reason behind this post.

I woke up this morning and did my normal morning routine. I took my vitamin, drank some water, and headed down stairs to put out my dog. I logged into facebook to see one of my old friends post something about the Mosque building near ground zero of the 9/11 attacks.

Originally I was going to post something back to my Facebook. In fact when I saw it on the news how people were protesting (sometimes violently) about not having this mosque, I made a comment on my twitter.

Listen, I fully understand how upset this kind of thing makes people. We are talking about the largest, most violent attack on American soil. Thousands died, even more in the following war(s). However, should we hold all Muslims responsible? Should every man woman and child who pray to Allah be held responsible for the atrocities that a few (extremists) committed?

Certainly we have no extremists in Christianity, right? I mean the KKK has been eradicated. They haven't burnt down any churches in what 2 years? So does that mean that all Christians should be held responsible for the atrocities that a few committed?

Let's go back a few years. December 7th, 1941. For those who don't know this is the infamous attack on Peal Harbor. Countless casualties, rage and anger ensued. What came next? Japanese internment camps. In February of 1942, President Roosevelt signed into order the call for the internment of all Japanese persons living on American soil.

The thing, I think, that the general majority of the population in America fails to understand is that Muslims are not here to destroy America. Certainly there are a few who are. But restricting one of their rights (freedom from religious persecution)is potentially hazardous. I am in no way saying that because they could do damage (more than has already been done) should we have any more reason to allow this mosque to be built, but a little cultural sensitivity wouldn't hurt. Especially when you consider that A). Islam is the FASTEST and LARGEST growing religion, and B). a vast majority of Muslims live here in Michigan.

Furthermore, how can we call ourselves Christians, and love our enemies when we dehumanize them to a point that fail to see how they should have any rights as Americans? Most Muslims here are here legally. I have worked with quite a few since I began working at the hospital. Now it surely is possible that they could be conspiring against America to do it harm and destroy it. But so then could any one else. Additionally how on earth could we violently protest in the name of GOD? Our bible isn't much different from their Qu'ran. In fact Muslims aren't much different from Christians.

Both are Abrhamic faiths. Both are proselytic. Muslims are doing nothing different than what we are doing.

America was founded on principles of Christianity to be a Christian nation. However, because we have set up the constitution in the manner that we have, each person has the right under it, to religiously worship (or not to) any god that they choose. We are not a Christian nation. We are a selfish, fearful, godless nation, full of hate and anger. We no longer have sympathy for the poor and destitute. The ones that our God asked us to take care of.

Call me a sympathizer for muslims if you want, but I feel that I am more of a sympathizer for humans.

Remember, despite what the media outlets will tell you, Muslims aren't here to destroy America, nor are Christians here to destroy any Muslim nation. The sooner we realize these common truths, the sooner we can begin rebuilding a peaceful future.

Mood: So fricken humind!!!!
Listening to: The scanner

Sweet potato pie it's hot and humid out. Why the frick won't it just rain already? Any who. Today I'm spending my day in the truck trying to blog, but am severely cramped. There has been a lot going on around me lately. Specifically the addition of my newest family member (and ladies man) Dante. He's a Blue Doberman Pinscher. Currently, at around 7 months, he stands at roughly 23 inches at the shoulders, and weighs 55 or so lbs (pictures to follow).

I have to apologize to Nik (pronounced neek), my old german shepard and who-knows-what-else mix (mut). She was the coolest dog ever, until I got Dante. Sits, stays, shakes, releases, knows how to heel, lay down, go outside...and that's not even everything. If you spend 10-20 minutes with him, he'll learn the command and do it with almost no protest. And he loves the ladies.

*subject change for no other reason than I have a lot to talk about*

I have no idea how the heck I'm going to pay for grad school. But at the very least I figured out what I want my cognate to be, and my specialty in that. Even better, there is a school that is close by that offers a degree in the field. Let me just explain. After looking at a bunch of journals and research, I found a journal about memory. I read it and was very intrigued. I have always liked memory, but was trying to figure out how I would get into the field.

I saw one of my old professors get on facebook.I decided, since I admired him, I should ask him what his thoughts were. I told him how I've been torn between cognitive psych, and clinical, and even going back into school for medical. He suggested that I look at Neuropsychology. I started looking around at different schools, and was very very interested. Particularly in the idea that it combined aspects of cognitve with clinical psych. Most practitioners of Neuropsychology, were clinical psychologists by degree, but their cognate was Neuro.

I looked at the MSU website, school of clinical psychology and found that in the first year you must declare your cognate...which includes options like...NEUROPSYCHOLOGY!!!! I don't know if I'll be able to get in, but I can't see why I shouldn't try. I have been told by many people that a black, male, veteran in either the social work field or psychology is a very underrepresented minority. So I should be able to get in most anywhere with the proper grades and motivation.

Finally, on this news update today, I have been in deep discussion with my second eldest brother about the family coat of arms. For many families it isn't so much of a discussion, as it is a question of where their ancestors hale from. In our case...in short...we have no freakin clue. See I don't know my grandparents on my dads side. He once sent me a family tree while I was in the airforce. I have no idea where I mis-placed it. Either way it doesn't really matter. The Evans name now has really nothing to do with that man. I appreciate the life he gave me, and also the name. However, my brothers and I made it what it is today. Therefore we are rebranding...in a way.

I have always liked how people with other family names can just go to google, type in their name and find something from their past that represents their history, and lineage. There are something like 50 Evans family coat of arms. I decided, for the posterity of our family, to develop our own. I thought it would be great for our great grand kids to be able to type in our name and find something about their past. After much discussion, my brother has decided to make a coat of arms for him and his children, and one for me and mine, and who ever else decides to adopt it.

As we speak we are ever approaching the finishing touches. Soon, this coat of arms will be the root in a tree of ever expanding capital ventures, and programs. As well as a name and a image that represents us, and should be proud to bear.

Any way..I've wrote a lot. I've got more to write tomorrow, so that you can see about the foundation that I plan on creating...with my families name and help.

Current Mood: More like a state of acceptance than mood.
Listening to: Crystal Method - Bad Stone d-_-b

Yeah so I got into grad school. I'm actually just waiting on them to allow me to schedule my classes. I still feel like I should've done more. Like I know that if I would have applied myself more in areas that most shy away from out of fear of work, I would have excelled. Instead I chose the path of least resistance. I took my talents and sought challenges in more trivial endeavors. So now here I am 28 (oh yeah I had a birthday in case you forgot), and 2 years away from a masters in clinical social work.

It's not that it's an easy degree, by no means. It's not that it's a bad profession. I just feel like I let myself down. On the other hand, I am one of those people that believes every decision has a purpose. Perhaps I was merely a catalyst, which triggerd an idea, and gave birth to thought. From one utterance, or one glance. Who is to say?

Did your life change for the better, or was I a hindrance? I think we both know the answer. This life is amazing is all I'm saying. I have everything I could ever need. The things I want, well...somethings are just out of reach. It's important that we accept that. Somethings aren't possible.

How do I know for sure?

Because, I believe anything is possible given enough time, energy, and mindfulness. But that's just it. How often do we actually give anything enough of these? We build limitations inside our mind. We defeat ourselves even in our dreams because we all believe we would have failed. Well maybe not all of us. Maybe we did give it a try. Perhaps it was something from the past that made you unable to retain that information, or a thought you had a split moment that drew your attention away. Which ultimately made you lose your train of thought.

Which brought you here in the first place. So it was going to happen. One way or another.

And that was the moment that it all changed. The moment you knew nothing would ever be the same again. That you knew that there was something that was missing. And you thought to yourself...there it is, the something I have been missing. However, when you realize it that is when the soul is crushed.

You didn't say it. You didn't pass that test. You didn't take that turn, to follow that car to see where she went. You walked in the out door just as I was leaving. I smiled because in another reality we were one. And now...well...this is the reality we chose. I remember saying that.

Reality isn't a dream. No matter where you go there it is. It it not a fairy tale. You did or you didn't. However, what will you do next?

Mood: Blargh
Listening to: Radio Chatter

The word for today is acceptance. But what does that really mean? Accepting things as they are? I have a hard time dealing with acceptance of things because if we honestly just accept everything at face value, then nothing ever changes. Maybe that's why I say how I really feel all the time. Because I dont accept stagnance. Some say we must accept our inevitabilities.

For example, when it is time to die, it simply is time to die. We must accept that death is an inevitability. Perhaps though, this is mmy flaw. When I look at the whole big picture of everything, I realize the inevitabilities of things. You see, I merely say forever as a turn of phrase. To mean an undefined time. Yet we both know that this is the end forever. We tell ourselves things like, this isnt goodbye, or we'll see each other next lifetime. But how can you be so sure?

There is nothing guaranteed save death. Even then, no one (well Jesus excluded) has returned from the next evolution to tell us what lies beyond. We base the future on assumptions about the past. We say, "this can't be the end, because we continue on in energy. I agree we do continue on in energy. But, for now, this conciousness is all I can be sure of. I don't know if the sun has ever had its heart broken. Or if its particles are capable of feeling love, pain, or other things. If I am to become energy and lose this consciousness, then I take solace in the idea that somehow we all may be one energy. One being, again. At the same time, I am broken at the thought that we as we are now, will not be again.

Then again if I am energy, and I couldn't remember the past before, then perhaps in my next form, I will have forgotten again, and appreciate the ignorance of my existence for what bliss it is.

For now though, in this reality, this existence, I hope I get into grad school. It could drastically help my life for the better. While I am here, in this form, let me enjoy the time we have together. Enjoy the adventure, because nothing, save death, is guaranteed. Even then it is speculative what may or may not happen.

This is the reality we have made. Enjoy it for all it has to offer, or suffer until we are released from our mortal coils.

Current Mood: Must sleep
Listening to: Nurses complain

So I recently graduated from MSU with my BA in Psychology. As most people know, there isn't much anyone can do with that degree. I've been wrestling with what to do now. My grades are...decent. Though because I transferred from a 2 year institution my undergrad grades are represented by the last 2 years I spent at MSU. So while I finished on the Dean's list the last 3 semesters, I still only have a 3.2 gpa.

So I appied to grad school to get a clinical social work degree. I'm not sure if I actually have a passion for kids or not or families for that matter. I do know that I want to help people.

The thing is, if I get into grad school it's 2 years before I graduate and can get a better job to pay off my bills. Then if I want to get a clinical psych degree (doctorate level) its another 2-3 years. But if I decide I want to do forensic psychology and not work with any of those demographics, and get paid a bit more, it would take what looks like 2 years on top of the previous years. Projecting me to graduate and start working at 32-34 before I am in a career of my choice.

However, if I decide I want to go the psychiatry route, I would need to take some post bacc courses. Namely orgo, in organic chem, bio, and physics. Then I would need to take the MCAT. After that's all said and done, if I get in, I would need to do about 4 years med-school. Then 2 years residency. I would be an official doctor at that point but...heavily in debt I'm sure. That projects me out of school and in a career at 36 or so.

For me, just to be clear, it's not about the title or prestige, sort of. I do like the respect that comes with being a doctor. I would technically be a "doctor" if I went the psychology route, but not an actual doctor. However, going the psychology route I could be done earlier and be in less debt. I just wish there was a guide telling me which way to go. I have a number of options, and Ive never really been given a choice in my life decisions...it has almost always been do or die for me.

I must meditate.....

Current mood: Existing

Listening to: Walking Wounded - Everything but the girl





Why do I blog? I mean seriously. It's pretty useless. No one comes here and reads this. It's similar to my phone. I don't know why I check it. No one calls me. I mean I get texts from people at work on the occaision. Somehow that equates my total texts per month to be around 1000. But still...I mean I didn't even get a text at midnight last night. Well..okay I got one from my brother, but. It seems as though no one even realizes I'm here really. I mean I suppose the wife does, but it doesn't seem to me that I'm always thought of as having relevant feelings.



I just feel like because I'm the man I'm supposed to just suck up what I feel and be the bigger man about a lot of stuff. I mean there are things I want to do daily. I want tell people exactly what I think of them sometimes. ESPECIALLY her friends. Sometimes I want to just be left alone and not talk to anyone all day. Sometimes I do want to play video games. But none of that really matters, because I have to make things right in the house. So I just stuff down what I really feel.

But I think I'm gonna work on some things this year. I'm just gonna try to be happy for the way things are and the life I have. I need to stop obssessing over things. Over knowing things. Life keeps moving and so should I.

Current Mood: Blah...
Listening to: Computer fans spinning

Not that Christmas was bad or anything. Or that I didn't get all of the things I wanted...I did. In fact I got too much stuff. I think someone really went overboard. But my Tattoo is pretty sweet, and the guitar lessons will really help out.

I made the deans honor roll again. It's only the second time in my undergrad, but it should have been my third, and it's the way I wanted to finish out. So now...I'm officially done!

This is the time of the year though that, while most enjoy, I tend to dread. Not that I don't mind the possibility of waking up somewhere between noon thirty and a quater passed "I slept too much", but I always feel like I should be doing something. Now I have time to work out, but because I feel like I should be doing something productive I choose to do niether and play video games. Or I could be cleaning out the basement, but then I feel like I should be relaxing and not working. And there in lies the problem.

If I attempt to do something fun, say video games or go out, the entire time I spend doing those things I don't fully enjoy because I feel like I should be "buckling down" or preparing for grad school or something. Of course the longer I sit doing those things, I do less and less work because I consider how much fun I could be having playing video games or being out or working on music. So what's a guy to do?

Quite simple honestly....nothing. I'll just bide my time thinking about the time that I'm wasting, thinking about the time that I could be doing something.

It's a conundrum....

Current Mood: COFFFEEEEEE!!!!!
Listening to: Jahova - Rusko

Okay, so...lets begin then. Yesterday I took my last final as an undergrad at MSU. I think I did pretty decently. I don't know though, the material is so subjective, and you have to make it be exactly what the instructor wants in the course. I of course am speaking of Philosophy of Law. Which brings me to my next thought. Next semester I'm going to be a TA for the ADP. While I'm there I could take either one more philosophy class, or another sociology class and get a minor in either subject. The thing is...I really don't want to do any more school right now. Yet it still consumes my life! How does that work?

Any way, I got my paper back for Philosophy of Law. I was really worried about it because the subject matter was something that I appreciated, but I felt that I was again all over the place with my ideas. Sometimes it's very infuriating when attempting to put thoughts to paper, or convey them in a way that people can understand. That is a big problem with me because there are so many things that constantly pass through my head in regards to ideas and practices in the world. I attempt to look at the bigger picture, but it's hard because, well for one we are each so small individually, and two in an attempt to understand something that you are merely a part of and not being able to recognize the whole of it. So often I become strayed in my thoughts, not neccessarily lost because I know where I'm going, but I often have to explain my whole fundemental understanding of the world in order for people to understand what I'm trying to get at.

I think the biggest realization about all of these thoughts is that I fear that someday I'll end up like my grandfather, who is one of the most brilliant men I have ever had the privalege of knowing personally, and not be able to fully complete a thought any more, and get stuck on repeat....

So back to the paper, I turn it over and I see 29...and I think to myself "29? I failed". I had of course assumed the paper was out of 30 points. Much to my surpise it was out of 30. I nearly lost it...this means that if I did well on the final, I could make the deans list again. Really that't only important to me. And it's really only important to me because it is an accomplishment that was desired by me when I first transferred to MSU. I wanted to prove to myself that if I just stuck with something I could do it. I certainly appreciate my own mental faculties and capabilities. That is to say, I realize that I am not as brilliant as some people of my generation. However, I have come to terms with this and concluded that what may come easy to some does not to all, and to those who things do not come easy for they can continue to try or give up. I assume that some people give up because they see it as hopeless. Perhaps it is, perhaps it's possible that you cannot fly without wings. But then I think we are looking at it all the wrong way.

It's not about doing the impossible. I think it's more important to realize the possible, or better put, realize what is impossible, and contrast it to what is impossible, then put effort forward to complete that. But what is impossible for some may not be for others. Certainly the laws of physics are in place for a reason, and more than likely without super human abilities we cannot break the laws of physics. Nor with these human bodies can we travel at the speed of light, but that doesn't mean that we can't push the limits of what we consider to be impossible. Who would have thought 80 years ago, we could talk to person's instanly on the other side of the world? Or have a giant calculator capable of doing billions of calculations per second, connect to an electrical signal that transfers information instantly and stores it for future generations? Certainly these things may have seemed impossible then, but, now they are apart of everyday life.

So, there are many things that are infact IMPOSSIBLE, but that doesn't mean that they always will continue to be. Additionally while there are many things that are impossible, there are a great deal more things that ARE possible. We could probably fit the things that are impossible into one book. But the possible things around them to discover what cannot be done could fill the library of Alexandria!

Where was I going with this? Oh, right, so now that I have gone an graduated I'm going to be blogging a bit more. Especially today while I'm at work. I bought a new game and it's not my usual thing, but it's fairly interesting and time consuming. I expect that if I get a 3.5 in either one of the classes that I'm waiting on (and I suspect that 1 if not both will be) then I will make that deans list again. Which will most certainly guarantee my admission into the MSW program at MSU. Therefore in 2 years I should be a social worker making...70k?

Alright off to the other updates!

Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Fade - Staind

They say time heals all wounds. I believe this to be mostly true. But some cuts are just too deep. Often you wonder if there is enough time left in the world to heal somethings. But then you realize that you might never heal.

Like think about this. Let's say there is an animal who gets their leg trapped in a snare. If by some chance they get their body out but leave their leg behind, surely they are free and now they have the time to let time heal the wound, but it's leg will never return. The animal can either die, or learn to survive without it's leg. There are many animals who have done this in the past. They learn to walk again, run again, and eventually they learn to hunt again. They will never be the same again though.

That's the point here, we never really heal again unless it was a minor injury. Somethings no matter how much you try to forget, look away, ignore, will always be there.

So it's not really that it's getting any easier at all. No, but also don't think that I am not moving forward either. I am simply adapting to my new surroundings.

Mood: Existing
Listening to: Massive Attack - Teardrop

So...this coffee has me on PUMP right now. This whole getting up at 5 though is hopefully going to pay off. But for whatever reason, my mind is set adrift.

I sit here and rifle through things that are due, and the things that need to be done. It helps me I suppose, all of us, to continue on. This past week was rough. A good friend and co-worker died. So I decided I should blog, I suppose so that I can go back and read these silly thoughts later on.

I guess what we all do to get by is just that. We do what we can to survive. I live my life in due dates, and pay checks. There is really no salience. Nothing really means anything anymore. Not that life has no meaning, but for me it's as if I don't feel anything about life. There is no time to think...no time to feel, just do. I don't know what it really means to make myself happy anymore. I guess since I can't die I just live on. But living is more than just surviving isn't it? But what more can I do.

My house is furnished quite nicely considering my meager beginnings. At the same time, I am no where near the upper middle class. In fact if people of that demographic visited my home they would say something about the small size of my home, and my sealed marble laminate table (as opposed to a single slab). Still though I live.

What I could never figure out though is why. I mean why do I exist? If you think about it...why do any of us really. I mean God created all of these great things, and chooses to have exist who he would choose. He also then would choose when you go. But I have always wanted to go in others stead, and yet here I am. Deployments? I never got sent, even though I would volunteer. Then there are situations like this one.

Do I want to die and leave the people I love helpless and alone? Certainly not, but if the world loses me there will only be a few who really miss me. I have no kids, and few friends. The ones who I consider my friends would understand and move on with their lives, knowing I am in a better place, and accepting the lessons I have learned and taught. But then God chooses to take John instead. John, who had 2 kids, a wife that HE cared for, 2 jobs. I mean I would have gladly gone in his place. Now the hospital has lost a corner stone, and everyone is in disarray.

But this isn't about John at all. This is something I have been saying for a long time. For those who miss the message, I am still saying live on. But you never know when you shall go...so live on.

Graduation is in 10 days. I'll have my BA in Psych. It's about as useful as another high school diploma. Then I will have the spring semester to learn the guitar, catch up on some reading, and video games. But really, truthfully, it's all for nothing. I do these things to bide my time until I die. I have done it all that I have wanted to. I have been to the top of the mountain and climbed back down. I have lived, learned, loved and lost. I have seen a great deal of money. I've seen the ocean, flown a jet, been on TV, made CD's. I have lived a full life. There is nothing (aside from Disney world, and having a kid) that I have not done that I have wanted to.

But don't no body know my troubles but God.

Shuffle out of bed, to my dresser. Grab this t-shirt in the dark, no not this one, this one. Underwear, socks...water, I forgot my water. Pushups, abs...shower. Brew the coffee, read the headlines. Type some homework up. Be a drone. To the university, to the hospital, to my home, to my computer, to my work, to my bed.

This isn't life...it's a list. From sun up to sun down, from due date to due date, check to check. And then...this chapter closes. Season 5 episode 12 ends....the only cliff hanger....What will life look like in the spring?

Ugh...these dreams have been strange lately. Weird instant messages from people that...well any way. It's times like these that always make me question reality.

So what's been going on lately?

I've been on a quest. Not to discover myself, because I feel I know myself pretty well. So that's not the problem. The problem is...I don't really know where I see myself anymore. There are all these perfect people out there in the world. They work so hard everyday, and they are just amazing people. Lawyers who give in charity to autistic homes, doctors, social workers...people my age being successful. Meanwhile, I work at some hospital doing security.

I'm not complaining at all. Understand, I respect my job and am thankful for it. I work with the local police departments on the regular. I make pretty decent money. I suppose in the end I'm as good as any of them. But I then came to a realization.

Those who want things done don't ask for it to be done, they do it. Certainly there must be some sort of argument for god givin talents with respect to succesfulness, but in addition to that there is perseverance. I must persevere. I must be successful in this venture. There is no other option. Being weak is a choice.

One either chooses to be strong in their decisions, or give in to their body as an excuse for failure. Despite how much you may want to give up because it feels better to lay in bed, take another drink etc...your giving into yourself is a choice that you make. Same as success is a choice.

Today I choose to win! I choose to succeed! The road is long and hard, but the purpose and ends are more than worth it.

I guess if he's up at 5...I will be too...difference is I won't be going to bed at no 9 o'clock. I got work to do!!!

I sincerely hope this party isn't a bust. We are nearly a month away. To date I have 14 confirmed guests. If I don't actually have 20+ I'm canceling. I haven't thrown a party since...well I never really threw them people would just show up. Makes me reminisce about the olden days. Imagine how things could've been.

If you would have just responded this way or that. What then? Or do you remember that one time....? Yeah I'm sure you do. But we can never go back. In the words of Don Henley in boys of summer, "don't look back, we can never look back". And this holds true, for I have always said...if we can't look past yesterday we can see through to tomorrow.

Often we get so stuck in our past we lose sight of everything around us. I talk about moving on and forward all the time, but it's so much easier said than done. I also talk about utilizing each moment to it's fullest potential. The reason it's so tough though is because we are so used to things being the way they were, but we have to realize that continuing to do the same thing over and over expecting different results is idiotic. For we know from experience that the same things will happen if w continue to do the same.

So it is at this moment that we get up...and decide to change. No matter how hard it hurts. Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead. Today is a new day. Today....be happy....because today you have a chance to do things differently. You are not bound to stagnation.

As if it never even happened. Like never even skipped a beat. Just keeps on going you know. A Million other people on the planet, having their own problems. Dealing with their own issues. So I wake up. I rush around to stay busy, cause I don't want to think about anything. If I keep my mind working, then I can become who I should be. Right?

So I wake up, just like before. I put on my boots. I don my vest. It's all familiar. I shine my boots. Take a drink. I try not to close my eyes for long, because it seems like it's all happening again.

All I really need is...I've convinced myself it's true. The funny thing is, no matter how many times I say it, still doesn't seem true. I mean I'm no machine. Machine's run perfectly if designed perfectly. And even those, who are created by imperfect things, behave imperfectly sometimes. Still...much better and precise than I.

So I run to my education. I sit, ponder, engage, stimulate my mind. I get back in my carriage and head to my place of employment. I take a drink...again. Crawl into my 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, and hope that I'm so exhausted, so utterly drained and destroyed from the day, that I can't think about anything.

The sun rises, crests, descends. The moon appears the tide comes in. Days turn to weeks, turn to months and years.

And then you become numb, you forget, like some scar you can't recall how you got. You sit straight up in bed and think....how did this happen, how did I get here? How did we? But more importantly, is....does anyone care? Do you?

The funny thing about human life is that it doesn't take a genius to recognize the writings on the wall, or to see a pattern and recognize what's on it's way. It does take a genius, however, to recognize large patterns across global scales, and to apply those to their life in order to make appropriate decisions and actions. Then how come when that thing happens, that you expected to happen, do you feel so different than you expected to?

I believe the answer is within our own faculties. For, even though we assume we know, no one knows 100%. That is to say, none of us have access to things about the universe a priori. In fact most of what we know is based on assumptions. As I stated previously, we base most of our so called "knowledge" on an explanation to the best inference, or experience. Which is perfectly fine when you want to know how to bake a cake, or wash the laundry. But, what about when it comes to people?

People aren't cut and dry. People aren't black and white. No two persons, regardless of how similarly raised, are exactly the same. So we assume things based off of what we know from patterns from similar situations. The problem does not lie here at all. In fact the problem lies in the fact that we KNOW that people aren't cut and dry. So we hope that we are right, so that way we are prepared for what happens when we are. But at the same time, we pray that we are wrong. For if we are wrong, then the universe has hope. Hope that everything can change, or today be different than the last.

I am in no way advocating pessimism. But those, so called, realists miss the point of this entire post. It is not reason, or logic, but hope...that makes us human. For without hope there is no point to the experience that is the journey of life.

Thank you...for the journey.