Requiem for Reality

Mood: Restless
Listening to: Decoded on History

So I've been talking about wanting to keep up with this blog. I wish I would have done better with it since I only have a few weeks left of school. I'm going to be done with Grad School, and just like with undergrad, I'm already looking at the next challenge. My current goals are to take a year off and spend some time with my child...who is due here sometime in late June.

Oh BTW yeah the wife is pregnant. I'm interested to see how this all works out in the end, but also quite nervous. I want to do something great for Israel, but I'm not too sure what. I want to leave a legacy for him, something that many years from now he can look back on, and see how much I loved him before I knew him. I'm also nervous that he will be just like me. I won't speak to my intelligence, as I don't really consider myself intelligent. I just recognize patterns.

Anyway, so I have that coming up, and after the yeah off, I plan on going back to school for Neuropsychology. I don't know if I will get in or not, and I don't know where I'm even going to apply. I know that at some time in the next year I need to take my licensure exam, and also the GRE. Without the GRE, I won't be able to get in anywhere. I am not too worried about my grades, as this semester should net me that cumulative 3.5 or better GPA. I'm also not too worried about my letters of recommendation. I have a few people lined up that I think will really help me out. So all I really need to do is ace that GRE.

Other than that, I've been pretty much just going through this so called life. I've been watching some good anime here and there, and picked up learning JKD. I wish I had more time in the day, and that I could spend it a little better. I always feel like as soon as I get an idea of what I want to do I only have a few minutes to do it. Then again I have like a million hobbies. I'd like to mix some music, mess with this guitar, work out, watch some good shows, play some video games, read a book, meditate, and hang out with my dog. However, by the time I get to the third item on the list I'm looking at somewhere around 3 in the afternoon. I know I'm spreading myself thin, but it keeps my mind busy. Sure I still make mistakes, but it's better than doing something that affects my life long term.

I plan on writing more here soon. I want to talk about some of the clients that I've met and some of the experiences, but today...I'm hot. It's about 85 out and only 1pm. Our central air went out thanks to Dante and his acidic urine disintegrating the condenser on the unit. My father in law bought us a new one, but it has yet to show up, and still would need to get installed.

Anyway, that's a quick update on my life...you may now return to your previously scheduled lives, already in progress.

Mood: Am I dying?
Currently listening to: Copying Machines.

I feel awful. I woke up and went to breathe in...only to find that my nose and lungs had taken a leave of absence without putting in proper notification. Next thing I know I'm popping cough drops like tic-tacs. WTH??!? I didn't even have a cough yesterday? This thing is morphing. It's adapting. IT's ALIVE!!

I finally set up a time for me to go to IINN. Which is great, but I can't be myself when I'm sick. So this has GOT to pass.

Worse than that? I'm walking in to my clinical this morning and I see a calico cat. Poor thing...he probably doesn't even know that he's infertile. He's running through the streets having fun, but little does he know he was born only to exist and die. How fruitless.

So what's the point? Life sucks sometimes. But at least you weren't born a mangy, calico street cat.

Mood: I was bored
Currently Listening to: It was something someone was saying about going to vegas.

I’m up and on my way out the door. It’s somewhere around 8am, and I need to be on the north side of town at 7:59. Grab Dante, put him in the house, lock the door, set the alarm, 90 down 496. I’m at my clinical until sometime after 3pm. I get home just in time to leave again and get to my other other job, shadowing in the Adolescent Project at MSU. After 2 hours, I’m on my way back to my house to rest for the night and do it again in the morning.

This is a typical Thursday in my current life. Not even a daily schedule JUST Thursdays. That is really my only easy day. Every other day is just a ball of used petrol, missed meals, and discussing the latest political news while trying to keep my eyes open.

My clinical is fairly interesting. While I’m not at liberty to discuss much of what I do, suffice to say it is very interesting. My schooling, well, thus far it’s less than exciting to say the least. My first class that I went to this semester didn’t have the AC on. Which would be fine if it was say…December. In addition to that the Professor says I can’t use my cell phone in class. For every time that a student touches their cell phone they’ll lose a participation point. She continues that she prefers that you do not open your lap-tops in class either. So now its 90, I can’t check my phone, and I can’t use my lap-top to stay awake. What a way to start off the school year.

On top of that, my brother is getting married again. Which is really cool because his wife is a cool chick for the most part. The only downside is the groomsmen haven’t really been speaking with each other as much as I would have liked them to. It’s all a big miss right now, and I have an idea on what to do, but cannot research this at my clinical office as I do not have internet yet. In fact I don’t even really have a desk. I’m sitting at the receptionist desk typing this on word on my lap-top. I’d show you a picture but 1). The camera was stolen last week from my car along with my iPod, and 2). No one is reading this anyway. It was my fault about the theft. I didn’t lock my door when I finished purchasing these really cool hear rate monitors from Dick’s Sporting Goods. The frustrating part of that is, I could’ve used that money that I spent on the monitors to pay for the replacement iPod and camera. Better yet, I wouldn’t have forgotten to lock the door if I didn’t ever get the heart rate monitors to begin with, but I digress.

Finally, I’m still waiting to hear back from Amer (again) from the Institute of Neuroscience. Originally he sounded excited to have me come down and do some research. And let’s be honest here, while I am a “student research aide” at MSU, and that is going to look good on my CV, the more research that I am involved in, the better my chances are of getting into a PhD program for Neuropsychology. Was that a run on sentence? Was it formatted properly? With all of the papers and work I’ve been doing lately, I’m just not sure of anything anymore grammatically. Plus I’m constantly in and out of being consciousness at any given minute.

So that pretty much sums up what I’ve been up to lately, as if you cared. I plan on having more interesting things to put on here in a few days. Adventures and what not, but I always feel like none of them are important enough to put on here. However, the school of social work recommends that I document my career and how I progress. So there we go. I just wish someone was actually reading this.

Mood: So fricken humind!!!!
Listening to: The scanner

Sweet potato pie it's hot and humid out. Why the frick won't it just rain already? Any who. Today I'm spending my day in the truck trying to blog, but am severely cramped. There has been a lot going on around me lately. Specifically the addition of my newest family member (and ladies man) Dante. He's a Blue Doberman Pinscher. Currently, at around 7 months, he stands at roughly 23 inches at the shoulders, and weighs 55 or so lbs (pictures to follow).

I have to apologize to Nik (pronounced neek), my old german shepard and who-knows-what-else mix (mut). She was the coolest dog ever, until I got Dante. Sits, stays, shakes, releases, knows how to heel, lay down, go outside...and that's not even everything. If you spend 10-20 minutes with him, he'll learn the command and do it with almost no protest. And he loves the ladies.

*subject change for no other reason than I have a lot to talk about*

I have no idea how the heck I'm going to pay for grad school. But at the very least I figured out what I want my cognate to be, and my specialty in that. Even better, there is a school that is close by that offers a degree in the field. Let me just explain. After looking at a bunch of journals and research, I found a journal about memory. I read it and was very intrigued. I have always liked memory, but was trying to figure out how I would get into the field.

I saw one of my old professors get on facebook.I decided, since I admired him, I should ask him what his thoughts were. I told him how I've been torn between cognitive psych, and clinical, and even going back into school for medical. He suggested that I look at Neuropsychology. I started looking around at different schools, and was very very interested. Particularly in the idea that it combined aspects of cognitve with clinical psych. Most practitioners of Neuropsychology, were clinical psychologists by degree, but their cognate was Neuro.

I looked at the MSU website, school of clinical psychology and found that in the first year you must declare your cognate...which includes options like...NEUROPSYCHOLOGY!!!! I don't know if I'll be able to get in, but I can't see why I shouldn't try. I have been told by many people that a black, male, veteran in either the social work field or psychology is a very underrepresented minority. So I should be able to get in most anywhere with the proper grades and motivation.

Finally, on this news update today, I have been in deep discussion with my second eldest brother about the family coat of arms. For many families it isn't so much of a discussion, as it is a question of where their ancestors hale from. In our case...in short...we have no freakin clue. See I don't know my grandparents on my dads side. He once sent me a family tree while I was in the airforce. I have no idea where I mis-placed it. Either way it doesn't really matter. The Evans name now has really nothing to do with that man. I appreciate the life he gave me, and also the name. However, my brothers and I made it what it is today. Therefore we are rebranding...in a way.

I have always liked how people with other family names can just go to google, type in their name and find something from their past that represents their history, and lineage. There are something like 50 Evans family coat of arms. I decided, for the posterity of our family, to develop our own. I thought it would be great for our great grand kids to be able to type in our name and find something about their past. After much discussion, my brother has decided to make a coat of arms for him and his children, and one for me and mine, and who ever else decides to adopt it.

As we speak we are ever approaching the finishing touches. Soon, this coat of arms will be the root in a tree of ever expanding capital ventures, and programs. As well as a name and a image that represents us, and should be proud to bear.

Any way..I've wrote a lot. I've got more to write tomorrow, so that you can see about the foundation that I plan on creating...with my families name and help.

Current Mood: More like a state of acceptance than mood.
Listening to: Crystal Method - Bad Stone d-_-b

Yeah so I got into grad school. I'm actually just waiting on them to allow me to schedule my classes. I still feel like I should've done more. Like I know that if I would have applied myself more in areas that most shy away from out of fear of work, I would have excelled. Instead I chose the path of least resistance. I took my talents and sought challenges in more trivial endeavors. So now here I am 28 (oh yeah I had a birthday in case you forgot), and 2 years away from a masters in clinical social work.

It's not that it's an easy degree, by no means. It's not that it's a bad profession. I just feel like I let myself down. On the other hand, I am one of those people that believes every decision has a purpose. Perhaps I was merely a catalyst, which triggerd an idea, and gave birth to thought. From one utterance, or one glance. Who is to say?

Did your life change for the better, or was I a hindrance? I think we both know the answer. This life is amazing is all I'm saying. I have everything I could ever need. The things I want, well...somethings are just out of reach. It's important that we accept that. Somethings aren't possible.

How do I know for sure?

Because, I believe anything is possible given enough time, energy, and mindfulness. But that's just it. How often do we actually give anything enough of these? We build limitations inside our mind. We defeat ourselves even in our dreams because we all believe we would have failed. Well maybe not all of us. Maybe we did give it a try. Perhaps it was something from the past that made you unable to retain that information, or a thought you had a split moment that drew your attention away. Which ultimately made you lose your train of thought.

Which brought you here in the first place. So it was going to happen. One way or another.

And that was the moment that it all changed. The moment you knew nothing would ever be the same again. That you knew that there was something that was missing. And you thought to yourself...there it is, the something I have been missing. However, when you realize it that is when the soul is crushed.

You didn't say it. You didn't pass that test. You didn't take that turn, to follow that car to see where she went. You walked in the out door just as I was leaving. I smiled because in another reality we were one. And now...well...this is the reality we chose. I remember saying that.

Reality isn't a dream. No matter where you go there it is. It it not a fairy tale. You did or you didn't. However, what will you do next?

Mood: Blargh
Listening to: Radio Chatter

The word for today is acceptance. But what does that really mean? Accepting things as they are? I have a hard time dealing with acceptance of things because if we honestly just accept everything at face value, then nothing ever changes. Maybe that's why I say how I really feel all the time. Because I dont accept stagnance. Some say we must accept our inevitabilities.

For example, when it is time to die, it simply is time to die. We must accept that death is an inevitability. Perhaps though, this is mmy flaw. When I look at the whole big picture of everything, I realize the inevitabilities of things. You see, I merely say forever as a turn of phrase. To mean an undefined time. Yet we both know that this is the end forever. We tell ourselves things like, this isnt goodbye, or we'll see each other next lifetime. But how can you be so sure?

There is nothing guaranteed save death. Even then, no one (well Jesus excluded) has returned from the next evolution to tell us what lies beyond. We base the future on assumptions about the past. We say, "this can't be the end, because we continue on in energy. I agree we do continue on in energy. But, for now, this conciousness is all I can be sure of. I don't know if the sun has ever had its heart broken. Or if its particles are capable of feeling love, pain, or other things. If I am to become energy and lose this consciousness, then I take solace in the idea that somehow we all may be one energy. One being, again. At the same time, I am broken at the thought that we as we are now, will not be again.

Then again if I am energy, and I couldn't remember the past before, then perhaps in my next form, I will have forgotten again, and appreciate the ignorance of my existence for what bliss it is.

For now though, in this reality, this existence, I hope I get into grad school. It could drastically help my life for the better. While I am here, in this form, let me enjoy the time we have together. Enjoy the adventure, because nothing, save death, is guaranteed. Even then it is speculative what may or may not happen.

This is the reality we have made. Enjoy it for all it has to offer, or suffer until we are released from our mortal coils.

Current Mood: Must sleep
Listening to: Nurses complain

So I recently graduated from MSU with my BA in Psychology. As most people know, there isn't much anyone can do with that degree. I've been wrestling with what to do now. My grades are...decent. Though because I transferred from a 2 year institution my undergrad grades are represented by the last 2 years I spent at MSU. So while I finished on the Dean's list the last 3 semesters, I still only have a 3.2 gpa.

So I appied to grad school to get a clinical social work degree. I'm not sure if I actually have a passion for kids or not or families for that matter. I do know that I want to help people.

The thing is, if I get into grad school it's 2 years before I graduate and can get a better job to pay off my bills. Then if I want to get a clinical psych degree (doctorate level) its another 2-3 years. But if I decide I want to do forensic psychology and not work with any of those demographics, and get paid a bit more, it would take what looks like 2 years on top of the previous years. Projecting me to graduate and start working at 32-34 before I am in a career of my choice.

However, if I decide I want to go the psychiatry route, I would need to take some post bacc courses. Namely orgo, in organic chem, bio, and physics. Then I would need to take the MCAT. After that's all said and done, if I get in, I would need to do about 4 years med-school. Then 2 years residency. I would be an official doctor at that point but...heavily in debt I'm sure. That projects me out of school and in a career at 36 or so.

For me, just to be clear, it's not about the title or prestige, sort of. I do like the respect that comes with being a doctor. I would technically be a "doctor" if I went the psychology route, but not an actual doctor. However, going the psychology route I could be done earlier and be in less debt. I just wish there was a guide telling me which way to go. I have a number of options, and Ive never really been given a choice in my life decisions...it has almost always been do or die for me.

I must meditate.....

Current mood: Existing

Listening to: Walking Wounded - Everything but the girl





Why do I blog? I mean seriously. It's pretty useless. No one comes here and reads this. It's similar to my phone. I don't know why I check it. No one calls me. I mean I get texts from people at work on the occaision. Somehow that equates my total texts per month to be around 1000. But still...I mean I didn't even get a text at midnight last night. Well..okay I got one from my brother, but. It seems as though no one even realizes I'm here really. I mean I suppose the wife does, but it doesn't seem to me that I'm always thought of as having relevant feelings.



I just feel like because I'm the man I'm supposed to just suck up what I feel and be the bigger man about a lot of stuff. I mean there are things I want to do daily. I want tell people exactly what I think of them sometimes. ESPECIALLY her friends. Sometimes I want to just be left alone and not talk to anyone all day. Sometimes I do want to play video games. But none of that really matters, because I have to make things right in the house. So I just stuff down what I really feel.

But I think I'm gonna work on some things this year. I'm just gonna try to be happy for the way things are and the life I have. I need to stop obssessing over things. Over knowing things. Life keeps moving and so should I.

Current Mood: Blah...
Listening to: Computer fans spinning

Not that Christmas was bad or anything. Or that I didn't get all of the things I wanted...I did. In fact I got too much stuff. I think someone really went overboard. But my Tattoo is pretty sweet, and the guitar lessons will really help out.

I made the deans honor roll again. It's only the second time in my undergrad, but it should have been my third, and it's the way I wanted to finish out. So now...I'm officially done!

This is the time of the year though that, while most enjoy, I tend to dread. Not that I don't mind the possibility of waking up somewhere between noon thirty and a quater passed "I slept too much", but I always feel like I should be doing something. Now I have time to work out, but because I feel like I should be doing something productive I choose to do niether and play video games. Or I could be cleaning out the basement, but then I feel like I should be relaxing and not working. And there in lies the problem.

If I attempt to do something fun, say video games or go out, the entire time I spend doing those things I don't fully enjoy because I feel like I should be "buckling down" or preparing for grad school or something. Of course the longer I sit doing those things, I do less and less work because I consider how much fun I could be having playing video games or being out or working on music. So what's a guy to do?

Quite simple honestly....nothing. I'll just bide my time thinking about the time that I'm wasting, thinking about the time that I could be doing something.

It's a conundrum....

Current Mood: COFFFEEEEEE!!!!!
Listening to: Jahova - Rusko

Okay, so...lets begin then. Yesterday I took my last final as an undergrad at MSU. I think I did pretty decently. I don't know though, the material is so subjective, and you have to make it be exactly what the instructor wants in the course. I of course am speaking of Philosophy of Law. Which brings me to my next thought. Next semester I'm going to be a TA for the ADP. While I'm there I could take either one more philosophy class, or another sociology class and get a minor in either subject. The thing is...I really don't want to do any more school right now. Yet it still consumes my life! How does that work?

Any way, I got my paper back for Philosophy of Law. I was really worried about it because the subject matter was something that I appreciated, but I felt that I was again all over the place with my ideas. Sometimes it's very infuriating when attempting to put thoughts to paper, or convey them in a way that people can understand. That is a big problem with me because there are so many things that constantly pass through my head in regards to ideas and practices in the world. I attempt to look at the bigger picture, but it's hard because, well for one we are each so small individually, and two in an attempt to understand something that you are merely a part of and not being able to recognize the whole of it. So often I become strayed in my thoughts, not neccessarily lost because I know where I'm going, but I often have to explain my whole fundemental understanding of the world in order for people to understand what I'm trying to get at.

I think the biggest realization about all of these thoughts is that I fear that someday I'll end up like my grandfather, who is one of the most brilliant men I have ever had the privalege of knowing personally, and not be able to fully complete a thought any more, and get stuck on repeat....

So back to the paper, I turn it over and I see 29...and I think to myself "29? I failed". I had of course assumed the paper was out of 30 points. Much to my surpise it was out of 30. I nearly lost it...this means that if I did well on the final, I could make the deans list again. Really that't only important to me. And it's really only important to me because it is an accomplishment that was desired by me when I first transferred to MSU. I wanted to prove to myself that if I just stuck with something I could do it. I certainly appreciate my own mental faculties and capabilities. That is to say, I realize that I am not as brilliant as some people of my generation. However, I have come to terms with this and concluded that what may come easy to some does not to all, and to those who things do not come easy for they can continue to try or give up. I assume that some people give up because they see it as hopeless. Perhaps it is, perhaps it's possible that you cannot fly without wings. But then I think we are looking at it all the wrong way.

It's not about doing the impossible. I think it's more important to realize the possible, or better put, realize what is impossible, and contrast it to what is impossible, then put effort forward to complete that. But what is impossible for some may not be for others. Certainly the laws of physics are in place for a reason, and more than likely without super human abilities we cannot break the laws of physics. Nor with these human bodies can we travel at the speed of light, but that doesn't mean that we can't push the limits of what we consider to be impossible. Who would have thought 80 years ago, we could talk to person's instanly on the other side of the world? Or have a giant calculator capable of doing billions of calculations per second, connect to an electrical signal that transfers information instantly and stores it for future generations? Certainly these things may have seemed impossible then, but, now they are apart of everyday life.

So, there are many things that are infact IMPOSSIBLE, but that doesn't mean that they always will continue to be. Additionally while there are many things that are impossible, there are a great deal more things that ARE possible. We could probably fit the things that are impossible into one book. But the possible things around them to discover what cannot be done could fill the library of Alexandria!

Where was I going with this? Oh, right, so now that I have gone an graduated I'm going to be blogging a bit more. Especially today while I'm at work. I bought a new game and it's not my usual thing, but it's fairly interesting and time consuming. I expect that if I get a 3.5 in either one of the classes that I'm waiting on (and I suspect that 1 if not both will be) then I will make that deans list again. Which will most certainly guarantee my admission into the MSW program at MSU. Therefore in 2 years I should be a social worker making...70k?

Alright off to the other updates!

Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Fade - Staind

They say time heals all wounds. I believe this to be mostly true. But some cuts are just too deep. Often you wonder if there is enough time left in the world to heal somethings. But then you realize that you might never heal.

Like think about this. Let's say there is an animal who gets their leg trapped in a snare. If by some chance they get their body out but leave their leg behind, surely they are free and now they have the time to let time heal the wound, but it's leg will never return. The animal can either die, or learn to survive without it's leg. There are many animals who have done this in the past. They learn to walk again, run again, and eventually they learn to hunt again. They will never be the same again though.

That's the point here, we never really heal again unless it was a minor injury. Somethings no matter how much you try to forget, look away, ignore, will always be there.

So it's not really that it's getting any easier at all. No, but also don't think that I am not moving forward either. I am simply adapting to my new surroundings.

Mood: Existing
Listening to: Massive Attack - Teardrop

So...this coffee has me on PUMP right now. This whole getting up at 5 though is hopefully going to pay off. But for whatever reason, my mind is set adrift.

I sit here and rifle through things that are due, and the things that need to be done. It helps me I suppose, all of us, to continue on. This past week was rough. A good friend and co-worker died. So I decided I should blog, I suppose so that I can go back and read these silly thoughts later on.

I guess what we all do to get by is just that. We do what we can to survive. I live my life in due dates, and pay checks. There is really no salience. Nothing really means anything anymore. Not that life has no meaning, but for me it's as if I don't feel anything about life. There is no time to think...no time to feel, just do. I don't know what it really means to make myself happy anymore. I guess since I can't die I just live on. But living is more than just surviving isn't it? But what more can I do.

My house is furnished quite nicely considering my meager beginnings. At the same time, I am no where near the upper middle class. In fact if people of that demographic visited my home they would say something about the small size of my home, and my sealed marble laminate table (as opposed to a single slab). Still though I live.

What I could never figure out though is why. I mean why do I exist? If you think about it...why do any of us really. I mean God created all of these great things, and chooses to have exist who he would choose. He also then would choose when you go. But I have always wanted to go in others stead, and yet here I am. Deployments? I never got sent, even though I would volunteer. Then there are situations like this one.

Do I want to die and leave the people I love helpless and alone? Certainly not, but if the world loses me there will only be a few who really miss me. I have no kids, and few friends. The ones who I consider my friends would understand and move on with their lives, knowing I am in a better place, and accepting the lessons I have learned and taught. But then God chooses to take John instead. John, who had 2 kids, a wife that HE cared for, 2 jobs. I mean I would have gladly gone in his place. Now the hospital has lost a corner stone, and everyone is in disarray.

But this isn't about John at all. This is something I have been saying for a long time. For those who miss the message, I am still saying live on. But you never know when you shall go...so live on.

Graduation is in 10 days. I'll have my BA in Psych. It's about as useful as another high school diploma. Then I will have the spring semester to learn the guitar, catch up on some reading, and video games. But really, truthfully, it's all for nothing. I do these things to bide my time until I die. I have done it all that I have wanted to. I have been to the top of the mountain and climbed back down. I have lived, learned, loved and lost. I have seen a great deal of money. I've seen the ocean, flown a jet, been on TV, made CD's. I have lived a full life. There is nothing (aside from Disney world, and having a kid) that I have not done that I have wanted to.

But don't no body know my troubles but God.

Shuffle out of bed, to my dresser. Grab this t-shirt in the dark, no not this one, this one. Underwear, socks...water, I forgot my water. Pushups, abs...shower. Brew the coffee, read the headlines. Type some homework up. Be a drone. To the university, to the hospital, to my home, to my computer, to my work, to my bed.

This isn't life...it's a list. From sun up to sun down, from due date to due date, check to check. And then...this chapter closes. Season 5 episode 12 ends....the only cliff hanger....What will life look like in the spring?

Ugh...these dreams have been strange lately. Weird instant messages from people that...well any way. It's times like these that always make me question reality.

So what's been going on lately?

I've been on a quest. Not to discover myself, because I feel I know myself pretty well. So that's not the problem. The problem is...I don't really know where I see myself anymore. There are all these perfect people out there in the world. They work so hard everyday, and they are just amazing people. Lawyers who give in charity to autistic homes, doctors, social workers...people my age being successful. Meanwhile, I work at some hospital doing security.

I'm not complaining at all. Understand, I respect my job and am thankful for it. I work with the local police departments on the regular. I make pretty decent money. I suppose in the end I'm as good as any of them. But I then came to a realization.

Those who want things done don't ask for it to be done, they do it. Certainly there must be some sort of argument for god givin talents with respect to succesfulness, but in addition to that there is perseverance. I must persevere. I must be successful in this venture. There is no other option. Being weak is a choice.

One either chooses to be strong in their decisions, or give in to their body as an excuse for failure. Despite how much you may want to give up because it feels better to lay in bed, take another drink etc...your giving into yourself is a choice that you make. Same as success is a choice.

Today I choose to win! I choose to succeed! The road is long and hard, but the purpose and ends are more than worth it.

So as I sit here in dispatch, I ponder the usefulness of emotions. Some would say that emotions and the accompanying response are necessary parts of the human experience. As frivoless as this who post sounds and seems, it has a point, I promise. Emotions as a cognitive function aren't necessary.

Picture the entire world void of emotion. Things would personally run a great deal smoother. There would be no wondering about where people are, what they are doing, who they are with, or how they feel about a particular sitation. Instead, logic would be the driving force behind our actions. Some say that the world would be boring, or void of interest, and perhaps this is so, but wihtout emotion we would not know that it was so it would be pointless to consider.

Buddhist philosophy teaches that in this life there will be suffering and pain, that suffering is caused by desire, and that the only way to rid ourselves of suffering is to rid ourselves of desire. Which many a buddhist will devote their life to doing. Ridding oneself of desire is not an easily accomplished task. With practice, however, it can be done.

If we consider that there are two basic levels of emotion, 1). those emotions that are inherent and instictual, and 2). Those emotions that are cognitive, then we are able to look at emotions outside of the premise that there are always necessary. Certainly many things envoke emotions. This post itself may infact raise some sort of feeling. But does this post do so in a manner that is automatic, or are the words and concepts affecting your cognition or thought process? If it is, then I propose that cognitve emotions are not only not neccessary, but have the capability to be removed in entirety.

Look at the mouse next to you. Place your hand on top of it, click a button. That right there was a cognitive function, that is, you thought about doing it. While you might not have considered that you thought about doing it, it certainly wasn't something that you had to act on as a life or death situation. This action was something that had to be thought about before it was completed. Were it not you would simply have no control over your body. But, certainly we have control over our body right?

For most functions, breathing, blinking, digestion etc...we do not consider how it is done, or even give two thought about it. Even if we did we have very little control over the action because it is natural and instinctual. However walking, speaking, chewing, singing, crying are things that we think about doing, unless of course you step on a nail, in which case you are probably not doing very many of those voluntary actions and are participating in one of them. Still though the point stands. We choose to do many of the actions we participate in. Now can we consider emotions in the same respect?

Cognitive emotions are mental responses to a certain event. Memories, pictures, situations, books, words, etc, all envoke emotional responses and are centered around specific events. This mental response to an action often results in a physical manifestation. For example (and contrary to what some philosophers say) you cry because you are sad. However, as most of us know we do not always have to have a physical response. You may feel betrayed by someone, and enraged by them on the inside, but on the outside you display pleasantness. Or imagine you are in front of a large group of people, and are deeply saddened by something you just heard in private, do you cry and risk emabarassment? Often we do not, instead we "bottle" those feelings up and neatly tuck them away.

Going back to the mouse example, place your hand on top of the mouse and do nothing. Imagine the task was to click, but you don't. If you didn't think about clicking, knew you were supposed to, and didn't. This is essentially is what would it be like if we trained ourselves to be without emotion. Being in a situation that seems like emotions would be necessary, and yet thinking through them logically. Consider the amount of time we would conserve, and how much more time we could have accopmlishing other goals.

Although I suppose if we had no emotions we would have no desire to accomplish those goals, or purpose for accomplishing them as our only real purpose would be to establish a household for our family for the sole purpose of procreation. In the end perhaps it's not useful to be completely void of all emotions after all. However I do believe that it may be advantagious to control emotions to the point that one would spend as little time as possible dwelling on them.

The funny thing about human life is that it doesn't take a genius to recognize the writings on the wall, or to see a pattern and recognize what's on it's way. It does take a genius, however, to recognize large patterns across global scales, and to apply those to their life in order to make appropriate decisions and actions. Then how come when that thing happens, that you expected to happen, do you feel so different than you expected to?

I believe the answer is within our own faculties. For, even though we assume we know, no one knows 100%. That is to say, none of us have access to things about the universe a priori. In fact most of what we know is based on assumptions. As I stated previously, we base most of our so called "knowledge" on an explanation to the best inference, or experience. Which is perfectly fine when you want to know how to bake a cake, or wash the laundry. But, what about when it comes to people?

People aren't cut and dry. People aren't black and white. No two persons, regardless of how similarly raised, are exactly the same. So we assume things based off of what we know from patterns from similar situations. The problem does not lie here at all. In fact the problem lies in the fact that we KNOW that people aren't cut and dry. So we hope that we are right, so that way we are prepared for what happens when we are. But at the same time, we pray that we are wrong. For if we are wrong, then the universe has hope. Hope that everything can change, or today be different than the last.

I am in no way advocating pessimism. But those, so called, realists miss the point of this entire post. It is not reason, or logic, but hope...that makes us human. For without hope there is no point to the experience that is the journey of life.

Thank you...for the journey.

Phew! It's been a crazy time since the last time I posted. Still with no direction or theme for this place. There is much more philosophical conversations I would like to have, but today I'm feeling soemthing different.



Things are finally looking up. I mean right? I graduate with my BA in Psychology in December. Hopefully if things go right, I'll end my last semester on the Dean's List again, and get into grad school no problem.



It doesn't look like we'll be having kids anytime soon. Despite the interest by outside parties. That's unfortunate too, because I think I'm finally at a point in my life where I am ready to have a child. Well only time will tell what will come of this. I imagine that the doctors for both of us will have someway of remedying the situation.



The only thing that really sucks right now...is me! I wish I could just be who I needed to be. Or be the person everyone thinks I am and expects me to be. I'm too busy to be of any good to anyone. Yet everyone sees me as doing great things. Yes, it's true I work hard, but I spend so much time at work and school that I miss out on a lot of things, and if people only really knew how that made me feel.

And then, life goes on.

The only thing I'm worrying about, now that I've dusted myself off, is whether or not to get an MSU graduation ring or an Air Force ring. Decisions, decisions.....

I tell you what man. There is nothing more tragic than reality. But even more effective has got to be gravity. Tonight my mind is heavy. I keep getting it pulled back to Earth. And what will you do when you get pulled back that way? I mean you find yourself pushing against the Earth. But you can't escape it. The higher you go the harder you come back down. Until you break the grip of gravity. You're stuck...

And how do you do that? I mean gravity is everywhere man...and it's heavy. Sure it brings you down, but it can be your best friend. I can keep you grounded when you start floating off and thinking that you can't be effected by it.

Who are you to judge? Who am I to judge? You think you're invincible? You think that no one will ever see through you? Or gravity won't catch you. But the world keeps turning. It doesn't stop. Matter continues to have mass, and so gravity follows from that. And in the end you just keep on coming back.

And you can't choose who you love? Can you? Or can you? Can I? Am I any different than you? You and I both know that deep down we are all the same. You fall because gravity pulls you in. You don't choose to fall, but you can catch yourself...but man don't it hurt?

The worse part about the whole thing is to try to tell yourself that there is no such thing as gravity, but you ain't fly.....

Chaos...what does that even mean? Does it mean that we should just live all willy nilly.

Here's the thing, the reason why I like chaos a little more than planning and controlling everything is because, sure planning works out better in the end most of the time, but sometimes it doesn't. No matter what you do, sometimes it just doesn't.

You can spend thousands of hours to plan out 24 of them, and in the meantime you have already wasted a thousand. I'm not advocating jumping head first into everything, but I am also not saying that I believe everything has to be a long drawn out process. Either do it or don't. I used to think about it like sand.

Picture your hand full of sand. Each grain of sand is time. No matter what you do the sand will slip through your fingers, out of the sides...you can't hold on to it no matter how hard you try. Even though you know you should, because you want more sand, and you want it all to yourself, the tighter you hold, the more seeps through. Of course realistically you will reach a point when there is just enough that it all does just stay in your hand. That is yours. That is your time. But think about it....really try to imagine it...the best way to keep the most time, is to just let go. Literally if you hold your hand flat and don't squeeze it then more sand will stay in your hand.

Life is a lot like that to me. We can try to squeeze everything out of every second we have together or we can just enjoy every second we have. An ex and I went though this when I was leaving the USAF. We fought and bickered for hours and hours, almost until it was time for me to go. And it hit me, why argue about time, when we could just enjoy it?

Brass tax, you will never have this moment again. This second is gone...and so is this one. It will never ever ever ever come back. You can't get a do over. You can't stop it. It is inevitable. You think that if you just stop now, and just plan for the future then you won't be hurt by the decisions you make now? The funny thing about life is that it's not planning anything out. Or maybe it is.

There are two thoughts that I ponder when I think about this.

1: Fate

2: Chaos

In the idea of fate, or that it's all planned out already I think...wow so what difference does it even make if I make a decision? In the end it will be what it will be. For this reason I think I live with no regrets. See I don't buy into fate, I hate the idea that we have no control over our future, and our decisions are nothing more than a child screaming into the void of nothing. But at the same time I don't have regrets because I am who I am BECAUSE of what I've already done. Life may have something in store for my destiny. It may have an end result similar to a chess game on a computer. With one piece moved the computer can calculate what move will likely be next, until the very end. That is possible.

In the idea of Chaos I think about how certainly the things I do effect someone, that effects someone else, and so on and so forth, but in the end things just happen because something happened before. No one really knows what is going to happen next, because it hasn't happened. We can calculate formulas and equations because numbers don't change value. People do! I am a creature of habit, but I may flip my coin and decide to do something entirely different. And then what will you say? Will you say that I really did that because fate destined that my coin be heads?

The fact of the matter remains however. In either instance, what ever the case may be, "for better or worse who may know". We can assume we know but never truly know. For we don't have the capabilities of knowing. I mean, assume fate was like a super computer...positioned on top of a structure that was tall enough to over look the entire world. Suppose this computer had a camera that could see everything, and everyone was doing at all times. And suppose it made calculations based on their actions allowing it to know what would happen next, similar to a chess game against Big Blue. You and I would never have the capacity for the knowledge. Nor would you and I ever have access to such knowledge. Therefore we should simply live our lives.

It's great to plan out your future, but don't plan so much that you miss it in it's entirety.

So a couple of things. First off I know that I have barely any readers because I'm not very opinionated about popular culture or anything like that. However money is one thing that I am very opinionated about. Especially when it comes to my money.

As it is, money is becoming very scarce in the area. Here in Michigan the unemployment rate continues to rise. Jobs are getting cut, people are getting layed off, it's bad news all over. In my mission to sacrifice my life so that my family will have a better one, I've been looking into how to pass something to my children in the future so that they never have to want for anything, and are able to obtain a higher education without working their whole lives to get it.

One thing I've been looking into is precious metals. When I look to invest in something, I look for something that's going to have to be useful in the future. Platinum, for example, is desired because of it's use in catalytic converters. On top of that the desire for the metal as jewelry (due to it's ability to stay away from tarnishing), and references in pop culture have caused platinum to be an upwards of $900 for 1 troy ounce.

However, palladium is different. It's just as beautiful, just as rare (if not rarer), used in catalytic converters also...except in smart cars. Palladium is also rediculously cheaper. 1 troy ounce of palladium is right around $170 currently. I could be investing in something that would allow my children to have something, that while it does change value through time, is unviversal. What I mean is, the dollar will go up the dollar will go down. The euro will go up and go down. The yen, etc.....they will all do the same. However against eachother the value will change. Precious metals will not. They will be the same no matter where you are.

I think it's something great to think about.

Mood: Anxious
Listening to: Feadz - EdWrecker

So here I am pouring over Sorber, trying to find out what this problem is he has with Aquinas's creation argument. Truth is I could probably tell you, but I can't think of it right now for one reason or another. I think the biggest reason is because I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this...school thing.

The reason I have this sort of self-doubt is because I went to this School of Psychology seminar to help you try to get into graduate school.

Walking in the door there must have been somewhere around 50 or so people in the room already. I sat quietly in the back of the room, and got ready to listen in as to what was going to help me figure out which way to go in graduate school.

This stuffy looking guy stands up in his blue blazer and begins asking "So how many of you want to go into graduate school?" Everyone raised their hand...and I'm thinking to myself...isn't that the reason that you had this seminar? Any way...he continues. "Let's discuss what kind of degrees do people in here want? How about IO psych?". About 2 people raised their hands. "How about Neural/ Behavioral?" Something like 2 more people raised their hands. Then he dropped the bomb...."How many of you are here for Clinical Psychology?" Nearly everyone else raised their hands.

Now I know that this is competitive program, and I'm already behind because I'm a transfer from LCC. So here I am sitting in a room with 40 of my competitors, no letters of reccomendation, and a 2.6 GPA. "I'm Screwed" I said. So he started to break down the numbers. "Specifically speaking, last year there were somewhere arounf 180 applicants. We only accepted 5. These were the cream of the crop. Nothing less than a 3.6 GPA, extracurriculars, letters of reccomendations, and internships."

Great...I have like...none of those! Perfect! So what I'm thinking now is that it would probably benefit me to go after my MSW. I will at the very least have a Masters Degree, and I can get in with like a 3.2. Plus I can start my private practice of social work if I do that. Maybe four more years left...or so.

But interestingly enough, none of this is guaranteed for a job.

I suppose I could put this into an entire nother post, and I think I will, but that's just an update on what's going on in my life...in case you were interested.....which you were, because you came here.